Trying

I am trying really hard not to be annoyed.  But I am.  I sure do hope this is monthly hormones and nothing more, because right at this very moment, I feel like telling just about every person I've spoken with in the last couple of days to BUGGER OFF!  I know that I become touch a day or two before my cycle, but right now, I feel downright angry!  I'm not attacking food, so that's good, but I just feel SO annoyed!!!  I'm trying to figure out a way around it.  Usually I clean.  LOL  But I'm not feeling it today.  I am still sick and fuzzy headed.  I feel like I went out and had a wild night last night.  I just feel horrid still.  UGH.  Hormones and illness do not sit well with me.  I'm an angry fat woman who wants to clean but is sick.  That's kinda funny!  LOL

I am thinking of taking a break from FB (Facebook).  I use to love to keep up with it.  Being that we were in the military for years, we have friends all over so I've loved keeping up with everyone on there.  I love seeing pics of my friends kids, knowing how their lives are going, and well, just being able to chat when we happen to be on.  But it seems less and less people are getting on there and posting what is going on.  Anymore, it's these chain things and I am sick of reading them.  Or the games.  URGH.  And then there are these 'status shuffle' things.  I know some of them are funny, but can't people just do a normal update???  And then, if you have an opinion on anything, everyone gets pissy.  Why post YOUR opinion on there if you don't expect people to post THEIRS.  And if you don't want to hear mine, don't post yours, or block me so I don't.  Or, hell, you could even be an adult and PM me and say you'd prefer me not to post.  For the most part, I don't really comment unless something is posted in a way that is inviting comment.  But dang, people just want to cram their opinions down my throat and then tell me to be quiet when it's my turn.

And I've mentioned before that for the most part, my hubby is very supportive of me and my diet.  But last night, he was being a real BUTT!  I don't know what got into him, but every time I asked him a question, he acted like I was the wicked Bitch of the East!  He made LC PB cookies (only 4g of carbs each) and forgot to tell me how many he made because the carb content will vary a bit based on the number of cookies.  I counted 17 and was going to base it on that, but then he got all grouchy and said it was 16.  So, I showed him the cookies and said, see, 17!  He was like, THAT one is one of your OLD ones.  WHATEV.  It's a cookie.  It was in with the others.  I assumed it was one of the 'fresh' ones.  And when I reminded him to please keep a count of things as he went (since he wanted to make dinner) he was like, "I KNOW!!!".  Next time he cooks and doesn't keep up, I swear, I'm going to just make a salad.  I don't care if he has slaved for 2hrs.

I think his real issue is lack of intimacy.  We just don't have much time together anymore.  It's not for lack of want.  It's just when he's working all the time, the baby is up, he has schoolwork, I'm homeschooling this year, then there are the regular errands on top of remodeling, and then you throw in illness, there's no time or energy to even sit and cuddle!  I know I don't like it and we do try, but it's just an awkward spot in our lives right now.  I know this is the normal ebb and tide of the marriage, but geez, he's got to understand how fried out I am.  Here lately, I've just felt like the weight of everything is on my shoulders.  Not only do I have to keep up with myself, but the house, all the bills, the errands, the cooking, the kids, and then I have to stay on top of his things to and remind him of the things that need to be done.  And quite frankly, I am BURNED OUT!!!!  I DID have a GNO the other night, but I don't feel like I even really enjoyed that as much as I thought I would.  I think I need one whole day out to myself to do some of the things I haven't gotten to do for a LONG time.  I feel selfish saying I need that time, but I do.

I guess that is enough complaining and ranting for now.  I will report that my weight is holding steady at 208.5.  But I completely expected that -- I should be starting my cycle any day now.  I also think I've been having too much Splenda, so I have decided to add a few carbs in the form of milk, but to take away the Splenda.  Splenda's bulking agent is maltodextrin, which is usually made from potato starch, which bothers my system for some reason.  I mostly use Sweetleaf either in packet form (with inulin) or liquid form.  But it works the best in combination with another sweetener.  I may start using some saccharin.  I try to not use any one type of sweetener too much.  So, since most LC products are made with Splenda, most diet drinks are made with aspartame, and if I use saccharin as a 'booster', then it makes sense.  Gives me a better balance.  And I TRY to avoid sweeteners as much as I can as-is.  And you'd be amazed at how little sweet you crave and how much better natural foods taste once you cut out all the processed, sugary, and fake stuff.  I rarely have a diet coke anymore,  but when I do, I don't need much to be satisfied because I rarely drink them.  And I use to be a heavy soda drinker!  So, I try to stick with natural or only a bit of Sweetleaf.  But for coffee drinks, I usually need the boost of the fake stuff to cut the slight bitterness.

Still not working out because of illness, and I'm ok with that.  I still want to do the 5k, but not sure if at this point I have enough time.  Because losing the last week is going to hurt my time.  I had JUST gotten walking a mile to 20mins.  I had hoped to get my walking time closer to 17mins. so that my time for the 5k would be under an hour.  Especially if I threw in some jogging.  Which I like to do -- intervals really bring up your heart rate!  But I am starting to wonder if I will ever be one of those women who can really walk and make good time.  Honestly, it kinda feels like it is taking the fun out of walking for me.  I use to enjoy going just to relax, but now I've gotten to where all I do is look at the time.  And it's become something I dread.  Maybe I will just give up on getting a better time and just focus on going for fun.  I could still do the 5k -- I don't think the time will really matter.  I think it will just be good that I am there.

Well, even though I still don't feel great, I am thinking I need to get up off of my hiney and get some work done.  I won't push it, but I need a way to burn off some of this anxiety.  And for me, cleaning and organizing is what does it.  That little part of me that is OCD just won't be satisfied any other way.  Hope everyone else has a great day.