The Natural

It's Wednesday, so I decided to do a mid-week check-in since my cycle is finally dropping off.  Thank Goodness!  I mean, seriously... it's been here since Friday!  BE GONE!  I'm over it.  Really.  I miss the short cycles I had there for a while.  More than 5 days is nuts.  Although, back in high school (forever ago), my cycles would be slightly farther apart, but last for around 7 to 8 days.  Which is why originally I had gone on BC (birth control).  And they were HEAVY.  Sorry if this is TMI!  The BC was suppose to make me normal, but instead, they made me PSYCHO.  I don't know why, but the influx of those hormones made things worse.  I had always been chubby as a little kid, but would have never considered myself truly fat.  I was always 'curvy' as a pre-teen and then as a teenager.  In other words, just a bit heavier and fuller than the other girls, but looking back, not 'fat'.  I remember finding out my cousin (who is a bit taller than me, like by one inch!) was in the 130's and I felt HUGE!  I believe I was in the 150's at the time.  After that, I was always self-conscious.  I had felt pretty good about myself after the summer... I had slimmed down some, changed my hair, got contacts, and for whatever reason, my acne had cleared up a lot.  AND, I had been dating a guy who liked me as I was... at least that's what he said.  In other words, I felt pretty good until I found out she weighed around 20lbs. less than me.

My point is, I had not worried about my weight until I discovered my cousins weight.  At that point is when I started paying attention.  I did eventually get down to the 130's without trying hard because I was working (at a workout and tanning salon) and paying attention to what I ate.  But then when I went on BC and gained like crazy, I REALLY felt big.  In hindsight, I was fine in the 150's and didn't need to be any thinner.  But the BC did something to me.  All in the name of having a more normal period (and some in the name of no pregnancies!)  I gained a ton of weight, I acted like a crazy person, and it really didn't help my cycle.  I got all messed up!  And here I am now in my 30's and I am still having issues!  I DID finally decide to get off of the BC, and I never went back.  Honestly, I think the BC is what triggered the PCOS in the first place for me.  After I gave the BC plenty of time and I was still gaining weight and losing sanity, I knew I was becoming very unbalanced.  I just couldn't do it anymore!  I did lose weight almost immediately after stopping them, but I never got down to the 130's again.  I went back to the 150's.  And even now, I think that is why I want that number so much.  It feels like that is my natural number.  I maintained around the 150's up until around my 21st. b-day.  Then I blew up like a BLIMP.  I went up and down some (broke college student = crappy food) but nothing major.  I looked GREAT when I got married at 20.  Like I said, it was around my 21st year that something went wrong and I gained and gained and gained and I can't remember being even close to the 150's in well over 10yrs.

Could I be thinner?  Why yes, by current standards I most certainly could be.  I KNOW that even with losing about 45 more pounds I am going to STILL be considered overweight.  Although, only by about 10 to 15lbs.  I know that and to some degree, it bugs me.  Why?  Because their standards suck.  They don't take muscle build or body shape into account AT ALL.  This goes back to the statement about being curvy... I would most certainly consider myself curvy.  Not due to weight... even in the 150's I'm curvy.  But I literally mean my body shape is curvy.  I have an hourglass or pear shape and I'm sorry, but that body shape just wears more fat!  The muscle shape and layout is different!  And I have to confess, I like it!  I would HATE to have my best friend's shape -- she is a ruler and for her, she is always trying to lose 5 or 10lbs. because on her, it shows. An it bugs her.  I can gain 10lbs. and it's not really noticeable, but on her... big change.  She wants to be around 115 and everyone says she's crazy.  I don't think so.  I think since she has few curves and when she DOES gain it all goes to her middle, 115 is good for her.  Looking back, at 150, I looked good.  Really good.  But I am not going to begrudge someone else wanting to be a bit thinner.  Body shape and muscle build make a HUGE difference.  But it still drives me crazy that in this day and age, that muscle build and shape aren't taken into consideration where weight is considered.  It's just common sense that a woman with fuller hips is going to weigh more than a woman with thinner hips and thighs.

I feel like my writing is all jumbled and not making sense... LOL  Of course, I didn't get much sleep last night.  I went to bed early, but youngest got up at a weird time.  For the last few weeks, he's been getting up at around 3ish and that's it.  Now for the last two days he's gotten up twice and at odd times.  The night before, it was 2 and 5:30.  Last night it was 11:30 and then 4.  He was up for the day at 6:30 which is an hour earlier than normal today, too.  I don't know what is going on with him, but I am SO tired today. And I think it is affecting my writing.  I feel like I'm not getting out what I am trying to say.  UGH.

My weight was 198 this morning so I think my bloat from my period is going down pretty quick.  My water weight gain during my cycle is nuts.  I don't think my Dr. believed me (I think he thought I was exaggerating) but after tracking it for months, I know darn tootin' well that I gain a butt ton of water weight.  I think the most has been a whopping 8lbs.  This time was only about 5, so that's pretty good.  And seeing as how I am finishing up my cycle, it's good to be back at 198.  Hoping that I will see a bit of a loss by the end of this week since the last weigh-in was a bust thanks to TOM.  When it rolls around again, I'm not going to fight the cravings so much.  If I want a damn cupcake, I'm going to have it.  I think I just about drove myself nuts this time trying to avoid it.  And thankfully, seems like being sick didn't hurt me like I thought it would.

Ooh ooh!  Back to the natural thing.  Seeing that 198 on the scale this morning made me very happy and made me realize that I can do this.  It may take me a while and I may not be seeing 'fast' results, but I'm moving along.  And by doing it this way, I really hope I have finally gotten past the mistakes of my past.  The hardcore dieting, BC, PCOS, and all that other stuff that has done so much to me over the years.  I am hoping that I have finally gotten to where I am going to slowly (but eventually) get back to what I have always considered my 'natural' weight.

***  It is now Friday.  :O  Sorry ladies.  I got news and all of a sudden I was so overwhelmed I just never got back here.  And it was a double edged sword.  *sigh*  The bad news is that one of my best friend's nephew's died.  He was only 3.  :(  He had been born with CHD (congenital heart defect) but he had all 3 surgeries to do the corrections and had come through with flying colors.  He was doing SO well and had beat all of the odds.  His Mom went in to get him up for the day and she said she noticed his legs looked purplish right away.  She screamed for her husband and started shaking him trying to wake him, and her husband came in and performed CPR until the paramedics arrived.  But it was too late.  His little heart just gave away.  I spent most of the first day crying.  No, I didn't know them personally.  But I can tell you, I had prayed for this child through his illness and surgery, and his family.  I feel like I know them since I am so close to their Aunt.  And all I could think was how that Mother must have felt when she found her baby gone.  They said she has shut down and isn't responding much now and that the Dad is taking it really hard.  I don't know if I could survive something like that.  They have another child, a girl, about to turn 2.  My friend said her sister is holding on for her.  I just can't imagine their pain.  I am tearing up just writing this.  I don't know what I would do if I walked in to check my baby and there was no life.  And in this situation, it wasn't expected.  You sorta come to a place where you expect it when they are sick and in the hospital and haven't been doing well.  But in this case, he had done so well... it was just a major shock to everyone.  Then on top of that, they are already being slapped with bills.  Unfortunately with a CHD condition, they were refused life and funeral insurance so it's coming straight out of their pocket.  A few of us begged her sister to set her up a fund for donations.  She did that today so we are trying to decide how much to donate.

Ok, the good news is that my BIL's PET scan came back CLEAR.  100% CLEAR!!!!!!  He was told he would die from his cancer, but he kept his faith in God and his faith and diligence were rewarded!  We just couldn't believe it.  He was told 1... maybe 2 years.  It's just amazing.  I don't know if we all believe it, yet.  When you get 'the talk', you just don't know what to expect.  But he fought and won.

Well, I think this is more than enough for this entry.  I do want to say that I have indeed been sticking to plan.  Even had a glass of wine last night!  :D  I peeked at my weight yesterday and I saw 197.  I think I would do cartwheels across my backyard if I saw 196 by Sunday!!!  But I will be happy with whatever I get.  OK, take care all, have a great weekend, and I will update again when I can.