Changes

Sooo... I guess you all have noticed a few changes.  I changed my theme and have been changing and updating my pages.  As a result, I am also cleaning up my blogroll.  There are at least a hand full of people on there who haven't updated in months and so, I am going to delete them to make room for current blogs.  AND, I just realized there were a few blogs that I hadn't added!  Why?  NO IDEA.  I thought I had.  WEIRD.  They're there now.  teehee!

I guess the most obvious thing is that I have basically changed my diet.  I'm not doing LC, or glycemic or anything.  I'm just trying to eat healthy and balanced with as few processed items as I can stand.  I just don't need them.  I do have some now and then, but I am trying to avoid them.

My weight right now is my priority, but so is my health.  My mental health.  And after reading a couple of blogs (especially MissCatty's) I am thinking that I need to be using this blog to not only talk about the things in my day, but more of the things in my head.  I don't know if I can go as in depth as I would like, but I'm going to try to at least dig at WHY losing weight is so important to me.  And as I do that, hopefully it will help me to come to some answers that will in the end, solve this riddle of weight loss.

So, I guess the first question is.... WHY do I want to lose weight?

I wish I could say that was a simple answer...  And on the surface it is.  The answer is because I'm fat.  But that's just the very first layer of why I want to lose this weight.  I think I will borrow the format of just rattling off a list of 10.

1) I hate weighing more than my husband.  It's embarrassing to me that he is smaller than me and I worry that even though he never says it, I'm an embarrassment to him.

2) I don't want to be sick like my parents.  My Mom and Dad are both overweight and have had issue after issue.  Especially my Dad.  But it's not just them.  My Great grandmother had weight and health issues as did my Aunt.  I don't want to deal with those!  I want to be old, retired, and having fun!  Not sick and confined to my house.

3) I am sick of being the 'fat friend'.  I'm also scared of NOT being the fat friend.  UGH.

4) I want to shop in regular stores and not be at the biggest size!

5) This is going to sound awful, but I hate my round face.  I feel like underneath this fat roundness is a beautiful face.  But right now, it's hidden with the 'puffiness'.  That's not to say I'm ugly... I'm not... but I hate that you can't see my features.

6) I soooooo want to wear a nicer bathing suit.

7) I don't like all the lumps and bumps in my clothes.  Especially my upper stomach.  Drives me NUTS.  I don't LOVE my thighs, but that is mostly covered.  My upper stomach sucks, though.  It's just all outta alignment so I need to lose the flab to get to the good stuff.

8) I don't want my kids to be embarrassed and I sure don't want to pass my issues down to them.  I'm trying REALLY hard not to do that.  REALLY.

9) I don't want people to look at me and think I'm lazy.  I don't want to be judged on my weight.  I don't want people to censor themselves or feel like they can't be honest with me.  By the same token, I don't want people to think that they can take advantage of the sweet, fat girl.

10) I want to be trendy and not feel stupid doing it.  Damn it!  I know it's silly and stupid, but sometimes I feel like if I dress trendy or do something new with my hair, people look at me like, what's that fat cow trying to do?  It's like putting lipstick on a pig!  I can't help it.  That's how I feel.  Does it stop me?  Not, not really.  But deep down, that's how I feel.

11) I want to have sex with my husband and feel like a rockstar!  I own nice undies and sexy things, but I don't feel super confident wearing them.  I want to FEEL like a sexpot and ROCK HIS WORLD!  We don't really suffer in that dept, but I have days where the thought of doing anything sexual makes me so self conscious, I almost feel sick.  I know there will always be days where I don't feel sexy.  Everyone has them.  But really, I think it will be less if I am not so big.  Not to say I am huge, just bigger than I would like right now.

Next....

Do I have any worries about losing that could be holding me back?

1) *sigh*  I worry that I will cheat.  I tend to have a flirtatious nature, but with a good amount of sarcasm thrown in.  But I do worry I will lose and do something stupid like cheat on my hubby or he will become jealous from fear that I will cheat.  Especially if we have a fight.  Thankfully we don't do that much, but what if we DID have a big blowout?  I already worry about him cheating -- he is a good looking man.  Some wicked mixture of Matt Damon and Tom Brady.  I'm not sure why I feel like me being thinner would suddenly change him.  As far as I know to be true, he's never cheated.

2) I worry my friends won't like me as much because I will no longer be the 'fat friend'.  I worry I won't like them as much either.  Although, the days of me bending over for friends ended.  I made it a point to stop letting people use me and well, that's part of the reason I don't have many friends now!  AND, part of the reason I quit looking so hard.  Good friends really are hard to find, but people looking for a handout... not so much.  They're everywhere!

3) I'm afraid I will lose it and then gain it all back.  I already did once, but not due to just being a crazy pig.  I got preggo!  But somewhere in my mind I still think, well, I DID gain, though!  Stupid brain.

4) There's this niggling little voice in my head that says, even if I lose weight, I still won't be enough.  The other part tells that part to shut up, but so far... I do worry that I will go through all of this and still look and feel like crap.  What if without my plump curves I have no curves?  What if my stomach is so saggy, it's gross?  What if my arm flaps never shrink?

5) Does part of my fat define me?  Does it?  I don't know.

Huh.  I thought it would be REALLY easy to get to 10.  But right now, I can't think of any other fears of losing.  The major thing is the cheating for me.  I love my husband more than anything except for God and my kids.  It hurts me to think that I am so shallow that I would allow weight issues to destroy my relationship.  But the sad thing is, we all know it happens.  I've seen it too many times.  I hate to think I'm the type of person that would do that, but it could.  Thus the worry about the weight and my friendships, too.  My list for WHY was easier and I even have a couple of other things I could add like I am tired of seeing people from my past and worrying are they thinking, "Geez!  Look how fat she's gotten!"  I won't lie, I've thought it when I saw someone from school.  Soooo, I know that road goes both ways.

So, this is where my brain has been at the last couple of days and how I've been trying to process through things.  I feel like I will be writing long blogs for a bit trying to clear out why I'm doing this and where I'm going.  I don't think I will ever have an end because right now, I have no idea of my destination.  Which, ironically, is the name of my other blog.  That I have yet to write on.  LOL

Oh, and like a big weenie, I got on the scale this AM.  199.  Asshole.  *sigh*  It's just as well... the hubby wants to go out for dinner tonight after the pool.  I'm sure it will involve pizza.  WHICH, I haven't had in a while.  That and some salad sounds really good to me.  I don't know why eating greens is making me crave MORE greens.  It's nuts.  I can't seem to get enough salad.  Weird.  Anyways, until next time, chicks...