Saturday, December 20, 2014

Bad Blogger

I know I've been a bad blogger.  The reality is that I just don't know how to write down everything that is on my mind.  Just too much these days.  Nothing, I guess, that is direct.  But my friends and family and well.... I guess I'm very empathetic to everything and it's overwhelming at times.  I'm a wannabe fixer and there are just some things that I can't fix -- no matter how much I want to.  So, I guess I just have to think and write about what we have been up to.  But... it's just so boring... and of no importance.  And well... I've just lost my jazz for it.  Maybe it'll come back after the new year.  I have no idea.  I guess we will see.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Secretly

You know, for years and years, I've tried to figure out why no one thing fit.  Why no one career, hobby, or THING stuck.  I've always just considered myself a 'Jill of all trades'.  I think I know why.  I think I'm secretly an Artist.  Today, I jammed out to my music and worked on my possible money maker.  I've inhaled tons of paint fumes, danced, sang, and felt... energized.  It's a heady feeling.  I literally feel like there are these beautiful glitter dusted clouds swirling around me.  It's phenomenal! 

Anyways, I think Artist is the best possible name for what I am.  I love taking what is there and making it beautiful and useful.  I love painting.  I love writing.  I love doing so many things but I don't have one main focus.  I'm just happy creating.  And for me, that is the absolute definition of an Artist.  Funny thing is, no one who knows me would call me that.  I was always a straight A student in school, very bookish and by the rules.  Always very serious.  Funny enough, I was the opposite of what most 'nerdy' girls were -- with the boys.  I was very rarely without a boyfriend and easily attracted the opposite sex.  It must be my Aquarius showing.  HA!  Anyways, I was and am to a high degree a play it by the rules sorta person.  I think that as a result, my more artistic side got pushed to the side except in music.  I was also first part, first chair in clarinet and oboe and was learning a few other instruments along the way.  So, I had an outlet then.  People tried to get me to sing -- I'm pretty good.  But I can't seem to sing in large groups.  Freaks me out to some degree.

But I find myself at a cross roads these days.  I'm rubbing against people which is annoying but I think the reason is because I'm going through some sort of change.  I've never hidden who I was or what I was about, but I think the more artistic side of me is needing out.  I'm not sure how I'm going to let it out, but I've been singing more, sewing more, painting more, and experimenting with color more.  I think my fear of not looking/being straight-laced was more there than I ever thought.  And now I realize it's not important.  Being HAPPY is important.  And I'm happy when I'm working on something artistic.  Even if to someone else it isn't artistic at all. 

Needless to say, today has been a good day for me.  I got some real work done, worked on some artsy stuff, and got to listen to music the whole time.  Fall Out Boy, to be specific.  My music is weird.  I have them, Iggy Azalea, and Tove Lo on my brain right now.  Some Dev, too.  Figure THAT out, people's!  Anyways, I'm just happy and feel like I'm moving in a good direction even if it is slow and painful at times.  I don't regret it.  I'm not sad that it is taking so long.  I'm just going to enjoy the ride!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Better than Nothing

Yesterday ended up being an ok day.  As I mentioned before I signed off, I managed to get bills paid and my regular bank register caught up and balanced.  I also managed to do the FB thing and my blog.  Not only writing it, but catching up on the ones posted.  My email is pretty caught up, too.  LOL  My kitchen is in better shape AND I made a good dinner. 

That was AFTER I spent somewhere around 4hrs. cleaning downstairs.  My downstairs has been a wreck for a while.  I've been using that space to sort, pack, etc.  And with hubby working on the bathroom.... it's just gotten out of hand.  So, I cleaned it up.  I even managed to get a good vacuum on most of it.  But all of the sorted stuff has been put back, the moving stuff moved to the office, and the toys sorted.  I did it slowly taking my time, but I got a lot done.  Is it perfect?  No.  But it is much improved.  I also need to get that bathroom straight.  I realize it is 'under construction', but it is driving me bonkers.  I think if I can get down there this afternoon and just straighten it and sweep, it will help my mentality a bunch. 

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to permanently put the downstairs in my rotation.  And not at the bottom of it.  I often do the upstairs and think, well, I do the downstairs later.  That isn't working.  So, I'm going to start trying to dedicate one day a week just to the downstairs first.  Maybe two days.  I think doing down there first, I will be able to keep it under control.  Maybe do that area the day I do laundry or something.  But it needs to become a part of the regular rotation and not an afterthought. 

I am also thinking of working on some little fun money projects.  I'm not sure I want to talk about it or not.  Not sure it will pan out to be anything.  But I guess we will see.  Just something fun for me to do that might bring in a bit of extra income.  I guess we will see.  I'll post about it later if it amounts to anything at all. 

But first, I have to say that I am still trying to recover.  I am VERY tired from doing stuff yesterday.  I had a terrible time trying to get up and going this AM even though I was in bed early for me -- right before midnight.  I took it easy after dinner and only cleared the dinner dishes.  And so far this morning, I'm taking it easy.  Although, I realize that I've done the morning routine.  It was easy.  Back to my point, I am VERY tired.  I don't see me pushing it today. 

Well, I better get rolling.  I want to get a few things done.  I hope I can but like I said, I won't be pushing it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

18 days

It's been about 18 days since my last post.  SO SORRY!  I've just been sick.  For a whopping 9 days.  Well, 8.  Today is day 9 and I'm finally starting to feel human again.  I got the same cold as the kiddos, but mine moved down into my chest and was turning into either bronchitis or pneumonia.  But I managed to head it off, I believe, and I am finally on the mend.  I WANT to get up and do ALL THE THINGS, but I know that I should ease back into it and not over-do it.  I'm bad for that.   I think that is what got me to this point anyways.  You see, I got sick and then started feeling better after just a few days so I got up and got to work.  I cleaned and did so much around here and the house was so good!  And then I woke up the next day feeling worse than ever.  :/  So now, I want to do things, but I am moving easy.  Today is my first day of starting to get back into routine.  I've done the whole get the kiddos off and whatnot.  So now I'm catching up on blogs and things.  Then I'm going to work on some house things for a couple of hours and then I'll take a break.  I don't want to over-do today.  I need to make sure I clear this out. 

So, other than being sick, nothing major has been going on.  We've steadily worked on projects and things, but nothing has been finished.  The weather turned bitterly cold, so nothing has been done outside.  And with being sick, all of the other projects are sitting around halfway done.  It is what it is.  On top of that, I've just not felt very social.  I'm not sure why.  I guess it's just that I don't feel like putting forth much effort in social situations.  It feels pointless. 

Well, I guess I should get off of here and be productive.  I did stop for about 20mins. to update the budget binder.  Our budget has been on my mind a lot lately.  We've been tweaking and making adjustments.  We are pretty close to having everything that we had hoped to be paid off this year paid off.  The only balance on the Visa is the one charge that we used on our house hunting trip that they wouldn't take AmEx.  The AmEx has a decent balance on it, but I am working on getting it back down.  And the last card we used when working on the house is under 2k.  I have the money in savings to pay both of those off and the temptation is great.  Mostly because I know clearing those off would make me feel SO GOOD.  There would even be money left over.  But I am reluctant to touch the money in savings.  Even though the reality is if we had an 'emergency', I wouldn't end up using that money.  I would use the card.  I like the points and I like the security.  Granted, the money would then be there to pay whatever the issue was, but I'm not sure it matters here or there.  I use to worry about having a large savings account because our friends did.  I use to think here they have thousands in there and we have squat in comparison.  But now I don't feel that way so much.  Now I feel it is more important to have debt paid off, a good HSA, a good retirement, etc.  Cash just sitting there for the sake of sitting there isn't doing much.  And I honestly don't see the point. 

Hmmm.... I guess I can ponder over it a bit more.  It's the end of the year so I realize that part of me just wants this done to wrap up the year.  With them paid off, I would be moving on to the next larger item on my list.  That would be our water system.  After that, the only things left are the car and the HVAC loan that is tied to the house.  I'm not worried about either.  But maybe it is better to leave some moola in savings.... even if we never use it?  I'm not sure.  I just feel like it would be put to better use to pay off debt than siting there.  I know Dave Ramsey suggests a cash emergency fund.  We've had one for a long time -- we've just never used it.  Guess I will discuss it with the hubby.

Ok.  Off I go for real this time.  I really need to knock out some work in the next couple of hours.  I won't push it and like I said, I already got one thing done.  Progress!  :D

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Managed

AARGH.  It's like, 40 degrees, wet and yucky out.  I am SO glad we managed to get a few things outside tied up over the last couple of weeks.  I got the outdoor toys posted after hubby took pics.  I got the run cleaned up -- not just poop but the leaves, too!  The rest of that random wood has been cut up and put in the trash to be hauled off.  I moved the mowers up closer to the shed.  All in all, the yard is just looking darn good!  I'm pleased with our progress.  The only problem we have encountered is that we do need to bring in the dirt, but we aren't really sure if they can get it in the drive.  The power lines out front are pretty low.  :/  But we for sure need to get it done.  We have a few more things to move over there -- a piece of wood and a few rocks -- then we need to take down the fence for that section.  But all in all, it's ready for that dirt.  Just finding the space and time for it is the issue.  And if the weather does indeed go back to something decent, we could probably get it done.  It's just all the uncertainty of it.  I think we will just have to call and order and hope it will work.  If it doesn't, not sure what our options are.  The idea of buying 50 bags of topsoil... ugh.  I mean, it could be done but holey moley....  and it would still only be about 2 cubic tons.  And I'm pretty sure we need more than that.  Probably even more than double.  But I'm not positive.  I know I only need a few bags for the front yard.  Maybe a few bags for random holes in the back.  It's the big hole at the top of the hill and then the drainage area between us and the neighbors that need the most.  The bags would be cleaner, we could buy just what we could do at a time, and if we didn't get it done, well.. it wouldn't be a big deal.  But at least maybe some of the holes would be filled, the yard pretty level and the worst of it done.  I'm just not sure which option in the end is the best.  I guess we will call and get prices again just to check it out.  Winter is quickly approaching, so it isn't like we have a lot of time to get it done.  We may do the bagged topsoil for now to get the small stuff done, then have a truck load of it delivered in the Spring if we are still here.  That may be the simplest option.

So... I wore some jeans last night that I could BARELY get on last year.  They fit pretty perfect!  I was so happy about that.  I also had to take in a pair of my work jeans.  They were so loose, they were falling off so I took in two inches.  They fit so much better now!  My weight is still about the same, as I mentioned.  I seem to stay between my low of 171 and 175.  I do hope to eventually get down into the 160's.  I probably should work on that now.  It just hasn't been my focus.  I do think I let rebellion take over a bit.  I'm getting over that, but I also need to make priorities and it just hasn't been active weight loss.  Bad, I know.  BUT, at least a lot of other things are getting done.  lol

I should be up getting thing done now!  Every room in the house is a mess and I am sitting here sipping coffee and blogging instead of getting crap done.  I'm not sure where to start, I guess.  I've been trying to stay on top of it, but if I take just one day to do something else, everything gets out of order.  UGH.  And it's been a couple of days now so it feels like the whole house is just mayhem.  I just don't know where to start.  Guess it doesn't matter as long as I do, huh?

Friday, October 31, 2014

Meh

It's a meh kinda day here.  It's dreary out.  It's cold.  And I'm hating it.  Everyone is all excited about the super slim chance of snow this weekend, and I'm like NOOOOOOO!  I'm also pretty 'meh' about Halloween this year.  I guess I'm just over every thing.  I wish I felt more like being in the spirit, but I'm just not.  I HAVE been thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I guess that's good.  I'm just not super stoked about much.  The kids don't seem to be either, so that isn't helping.  If they were more excited, I think it would rub off and vice versa.  But we all seem pretty 'meh'. 

Things around here are about the same.  We've been working outside and trying to knock out as much as we are comfortable doing in a day.  Little by little.  And believe it or not, the back yard looks darn good.  I have gotten almost all of that old wood cut down and hauled off in the trash over the last couple of weeks.  I hope to get some more done either later today or tomorrow -- if the weather holds out.  I cleaned up some old glass.  I built the retaining wall for the carport and capped off the small one around the HVAC -- it's not done, but it's in motion.  We got started on the patio and got it laid.  Just have to decide if we like it and then put down the pebbles for the spaces.  We moved and cleaned all of the outside structures that aren't going with us to get them sold.  The yard is starting to look like an actual yard instead of a work zone!  LOL

The inside has had some work but between getting other things done and doing the normal daily grind, we didn't make much progress.  As a matter-of-fact, I don't see much of anything getting done today.  I just took meds, but my head still feels so clogged.  UGH.

On other fronts, I'm trying to decide what to do with my hair.  It is SO long.  No joke.  I'm only a couple of inches from my backside when it is straight.  I've been leaving it alone lately and wearing it wavy or curling it, though.  But it's still crazy long.  I am massively due for a color and cut.  But I am trying to decide if I should just go in for a cut and color myself, or if I should cough up the moola.  I'm torn.  My stylist is awesome and the color holds up really well, but it's so costly.  I need all the things done like base color, ombre streaks, and cut.  So... probably around $200.  I think a cut is $30 and a box of color around $10.  *sigh*  I guess I will wait and see.

Weight is still about the same.  My high seems to be around 175 so I'm good with that.  I do want to move lower, but with all of this really physical labor, seems to be hard to keep my hunger level in check.  I'm thinking that with my iron being low, I'm going to have to focus more on my protein intake.  Gotta keep up that iron!  I'm also taking a supplement and it does help so much.  My energy levels seemed to go up after just a few days. 

All in all, I feel like I'm doing darn well.  I'm not doing formal workouts at all, but I'm getting in physical work for sure.  But I need to focus more on doing that formal workout if I'm not so that I keep my activity up.  I think I've been so resentful over the constant talk of 'working it out' that it's made me be rebellious and not work out at all.  I enjoy working out and enjoy the time to myself.  But lately, I've been GRRRR over it because of all the posts that have affected me negatively.  They probably weren't meant negatively, but after seeing them over and over, I feel that way about them.  Like, "I'll show you I can do this without working out!"  Which is silly.  I know I can, but why shoot myself in the foot?  I mean, it's good for me, I enjoy it, and it picks up the slack from where I know I'm not as physically active as I could be.  If that makes sense.  I know what I'm trying to do which is be more active and I know I'm not a gym bunny.  So, what does it matter what they think?  Or do?  Or feel about what I'm doing?  It doesn't.  And I need to get over it.  They need to do what works for them, and I need to do what works for me and stop dwelling on it like it's life or death.  I need to get over myself!  HA!

I guess that's it for today.  I know it's boring around here, but I'm in a weird place these days and I'm not sure what else to say.  Take care all!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Point

I've not felt like blogging lately.  I feel like I've been so bogged down with ALL THE THINGS that I've just not had the energy to put it out there.  I don't even feel like anyone is reading anyways so what is the point?  Maybe just to relieve my stress by getting it out of my head?  No.  I've been talking and venting non-stop to try to deal.  But still, I feel clogged.  Even this little bit I'm trying to get out feels like trying to pull teeth out of a rhino's ass.

I really guess the bottom line is that I feel a ton of pressure and I'm under too much stress with no release.  I'm thinking I need to get back to working out... although, I've been doing enough outside work that I should have burned out ALL THE THINGS.  Today, I moved dirt and dug a small trench.  Tomorrow, I hope to go ahead and get down the sand and then the block.  I don't think I will get it all done as the bags of sand are like 30lbs. and each block more than 25lbs.  After squatting all of that several times to move, pour, and arrange, I'm sure I'll have had a good workout!  I may also start on the back house run.  I back filled that today with dirt, so all I need to do is put down the weed barrier and then put the big rocks.  I'll just have to see how I do.  I want to work a little bit out there each day.  I want to stay on task in the house, and make some decisions.

One of the decisions that I need to make is how to come up with the money for tuition.  It's the end of Oct., so we would need 7mos. worth to get through May.  That's $1680 to $2100 for the cheapest preschool that I know of currently.  Not to mention the year has already started so my options to get him in somewhere are going to be limited.  But he is begging to go and his brother started before he did.  And if we aren't moving anytime soon, he might as well go.  I'm just not sure where I am going to carve it out of the budget.  My focus has been to pay off bills and to get money put back for a few things like new tires, insurance, and our move.  Not to mention to bolster up our emergency fund.  But with this, I'm not sure how we will do it.  I can't cut anything else.  There's nothing to cut.  I guess I could try to work part time, but the market is so full of people, my chances would be slim to none.  I'm just not sure what to do.  We were so close to paying off this one debt... UGH.  Ironically, it's almost exactly the amount that the tuition is.  :/  But it WAS much higher.  It was the first remodel loan we took out on the house for the major reno that we couldn't pay cash for because the amount was just too high.  And we were within reach now.  UGH. 

My head is just so full of so much.  I'm not sure where to go at this point.  I do know one thing.... I need to go fold up some laundry.  I have two loads in my room, a load downstairs, and one about to go in the dryer.  So, I need to get to it so it doesn't get piled up.  That is, if this kiddo will ever go to sleep.  That's another thing -- I am thinking that being busier during the day will help him sleep better at night.  But I could be wrong!  LOL