Saturday, September 20, 2014

The last couple of days

Over the course of the last couple of days, I haven't blogged because I haven't done much and I've felt like crud.  I started a blog (and yes, posted it) but it was very short and unfinished.  But meh.  It's there.  What's my issue?  THE CYCLE FROM HELL.  While it hasn't been long, it has been heavy and the cramps have made me downright miserable.  I literally spent one afternoon with a heating pad in bed crying in pain.  I've not had one this severe in forever.  I ended up taking 4 Ibuprofen to get relief.  After that, I made SURE to take something on time because I didn't want to be in so much pain again.  I honestly thought I was going to have to take a trip to the emergency room.  :(  The next day, yesterday, I decided that if I got up and felt remotely ok, I would go to Costco.  We were out of well... everything.  Plus, litter is on sale right now and we are trying to stock pile.  That shizz is expensive!  And with four cats, we burn through litter pretty fast.  And because cats are cats, they are picky on the litter they will willingly use.  Anyways, I got up and went but had 3 dizzy spells.  Once on my stairs and fell.  My husband said that was it -- no more and to go sit.  I didn't.  I know it's from my cycle.  It happens every month but not usually this severe.  This was the worst by far.  :(  So, the last couple of days haven't been very productive.  I've literally done one load of laundry which was the dog blanket.  I wiped down the counter.  And I emptied one work box.  That is IT.  UGH.

I'm starting to think that right before my cycle and during that I should load up on iron.  I haven't been taking my multi so maybe I should focus on that again.  I don't know.  It's just weird.  I'm not sure that I will count calories then, either.  I've been counting the last couple of days, but haven't been able to get back under 1600.  I think now that I have some groceries I should be good.  Without fruit and veg, I seem to have a hard time keeping under and keeping full.  So, I'm glad I went to the store yesterday.  We'll see how today goes. 

I'm not really too focused on the scale right now, I must admit.  I'm more worried about finishing the kitchen and getting my house cleaned up.  It's a mess right now.  And frankly, I'm worried about our move.  I think the hubby is in low spirits and I'm not sure how to perk him back up.  He keeps talking about going down to FL for a few days and I'm wondering if that is a good idea.  I think maybe he needs a break from here.  But then I worry that coming back will be even worse.  I think all of us are ok except for him.  He seems so down.  I keep trying to reassure him, but it still seems to be taking it's toll.  Men really are wrapped up in what they do as a part of who they are.  I realize some women are, too.  But it always seems so much more apparent in men.  Anyways, I kinda think it is a good idea to go down and look around some more in person.  We got to look at a lot in the PCB area and Upper Grand Lagoon, but not much in the actual PC area.  And when we looked this last time, we saw several worthy places.  I just don't know how much we could accomplish in just a few days time down there since it's 8 down and 8 up.  Over 5 days, that really only gives us 3.  Hmmm...

Well, today is the 20th so that means that in just 3 days, Summer will be over.  I guess I will wait to do my weigh-in on the 23rd to see how I ended Summer and how I will be going into Fall.  I haven't weighed the last few days, so I have no idea where I'm at.  I guess we will just wait and see how it goes.  Nothing to be done at this point.  And I'm not sure that I will set another 'goal'.  I always seem to do so shitty with that.  I go in thinking how lovely to have a deadline and have a tracker and see how it's going, only to get going and feel disappointment.  I'm not even really sure when it sets in or why.  I just know it does and it's a bummer.  I seem to be able to set reasonable goals for everything else, but not weight.  I wonder why that is?  It's weird to me.  And frustrating.  UGH.  I'm just not really sure where to go from here.  I feel stalled but not in the sense of my weight isn't moving, but more in the sense of I just don't know where to go from here.  One minute I feel like what I am doing is fine and the next I feel like I need to do something more.  Maddening!

Ok, this is long enough and I need to get going.  Nothing will get accomplished at this rate.

Dragging and uncomfortable

I'm trying to get going today, but so far it's a no go.  I was up at about 10:30 which is good but I'm tired.  Mostly because I got to bed late doing some housing research.  I overslept to get oldest on the bus because my darn alarm clock still isn't working, and due to my cycle, I am very uncomfortable.  Yesterday, I was lighter and manageable but by the middle of the night, it was heavy and I was having horrible cramps.  I slept with the heating pad for most of the night and took meds.  Then hubby rubbed my lower back trying to help me and give me relief because I was hurting so much I couldn't sleep.  So... I'm dragging.  I have so many things I want to do and get going on, but I am terribly tired.  So for now, I am thinking it is a 'take it easy' day.  I haven't had one of those in a while and I don't mentally feel prepared for one but sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.

You know, maybe I'll work on bills.  I've been working on them and getting them all organized and working out the next phase of getting things paid off.  Our goal before moving is to have as little debt as possible.  I would really like to pay off anything and everything that isn't tied to the house and maybe one or two that are.  That way, when we go to sell the house we pay off it's things and have nothing left but the car.  If we clear a decent amount, we could even pay off the car.  But I'm not really worried about it as the payment is low, the interest is REALLY low, and we are currently very right side up on it.  If we were to trade or sell, we'd make money.  And that's a very good thing!  :D  But for now, we have a few odds and ends that we need to take care of first.  We have so far paid off about 5k.  We have about another 4k.  I'm pleased with that number!  If things go well, we have about another 4k that I would 'like' to pay off but it's tied to the house so if we don't, it will be paid when we sell.  So, it's not at the top of my important list.  I'd much rather focus on paying off the first 4k and bulking our savings.  It's paltry right now.  :/  I'd really like to get it above 5k so we will see.  I'm also thinking of using one of our unused accounts for building up some savings, but we will see.  So much to do.  I really should sit down with pencil and paper and get it figured out soon.  Yes, I know there are programs that do it, but I work better when I figure it out by hand. Seeing it and working it out myself really helps me.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

All about the YARD

Today has been an all about the yard kinda day.  I had planned on taking it easy today since we slept in SO late.  Normally, we are up and at'em later than many, but not THIS late.  I think it was almost NOON.  I'm not sure why my youngest slept that late... Normally we are all up around 9:30 to 10:30 so this was really unusual for us.  I'm not a morning person by any means, but sleeping that late was just too darn late!  So, I woke up thinking that even though I felt ok, I must be exhausted to have slept that late.  I completely planned to just chill all day.  But that isn't what happened...

After breakfast/lunch, I just COULD NOT sit still.  So, I decided to mow since I had done it the other day and gotten the front done, but the back was still a mess.  I decided to mow in the front anyways just to keep it under control.  So, I mowed all of the front and all of the back!  Even most of the area that gets push mowed!  The grass was good and dry, so I had no issues with slipping and could do more.  :)  I did that and rested for a bit and then thought, I should clean that dog run.  It's been stinking SO. BAD.  So, I scooped.  Then thought, I should smooth it out where the dog has been digging.  So, I smoothed.  And THEN, I decided to go ahead and spray it since I had everything to do the job.  I got out my handy garden sprayer, Dawn, and hose.  And I SATURATED the dog run even washing their house and a 2 or 3 ft. perimeter around it the fence.  The smell is gone!  The flies/bugs are gone!  WOOT!  I was so so so happy!  I thought I was done so I came in for a break.  Nope.  Still felt like going!  So, I threw in some laundry and mixed up some weed killer.  I sprayed the entire side area, around the front beds, mailbox, AND the curb!  I got it all done!  ALL OF IT!  If you can believe it, I then came in and purged an entire box of 'Important Papers'.  My recycling is SO FULL!  HA!  I don't know where all of the energy came from.  I really don't!  But I got a lot done and I'm darn pleased.  I bet I'll be a zombie tomorrow.  LOL

On another note, I weighed today after eating again (because I forgot) and my weight after food was 177 so I'm thinking I am around the same.  AND, I started my cycle.  SO, I guess I lost a couple of weeks of losing, but I didn't gain so that is good.  I was a bit stalled out anyways before hand and trying to figure it out, so I don't know if I really lost any time or not.  No matter -- back to tracking today. Still going to stay at the 1600 or less mark.  I don't think that long term I could go under that for long.  I do have low days, but I don't think I could do it daily.  I'm not sure how people live at like, 1200.  I know it can be done, but I don't think I would want to do it long term.  I realize I would hit my goal much faster if I did, but I don't think I could do it.  I've thought of reducing some, down to 1400 or 1500, but I never seem to be able to do it long term.  I guess if I get to a point where I'm just not moving, I'll do it. 

I guess that is all I have for tonight.  It's getting late and I am trying to decide what to do with the rest of my night.  I have some TV recordings to watch and return to my Mom, I have a book to finish, and I have a new movie I have wanted to watch.  But I can't do all of these so maybe I will just do one.  The book is really good... I think that I may do that.  I can watch the movie as I go to sleep.  :)

Well, the dogs are barking like mad so I guess I will go.  Until later!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hot

I'm not feeling so hot today.  I actually feel downright terrible.  My tummy is all weird and off, my body aches, and my head feels woozy.  All in all, I feel like garbage.  And it sucks.  Because today is the last day the hubby is off for a stretch and we REALLY needed to get the tile done downstairs in the bathroom.  But as of right now, I just don't think I can do it.  I've been trying to power along, but the more I do, the worse I am feeling.  So, I have sat down to drink some water and whine on here.  I hope that once my meds kick in, I will feel better.  I'm even thinking of taking a little nap after I eat a little snack and see if that helps any. 

I have gotten a little bit done.  The cat garage is all nice and clean.  I purged out the linens in the hallway closet to either be donated, kept, or packed.  I cleaned out one box from under the stairs that was left and started purging the other (it's linens, too!).  I got rid of an entire pile of curtains.  In all honesty, they are not mine.  They came with the house!  They are an off white, see-through, and have to be ironed to look decent.  Really, they are fine curtains but we've not used them the entire time we've been here and I just don't see that trend changing.  So, I'm only keeping the curtains I love or think I could really use.  Like, I have some lovely teal ones, some shimmery copper, and some pure white with a branch-like texture.  I like them all and think I could use them here or in the next place, so I will hold on to them for now.  But that huge pile of off-white ones had to go.  I don't like to iron.  I don't see me using them.  And if I ever needed some of that color/type, I'd probably buy new ones that had a different material that I wouldn't have to mess with so much.  I had tried to use these previously in an office and the wrinkles were just a major thing.  Plus, they looked more dirty than off-white.  I think letting them go is the best option.  So far, I'm not finding much else to let go of in that dept.  I purged most of the blankets and linens a while back.  I got rid of a few throws that just NEVER looked clean.  I could wash them and they looked dirty after 30mins.  The material was just a magnet for fuzz and fur.  I bought some at Costco that not only look great, but the kids love them, too!  And they are wash and use.  So, linens, thankfully, are already pretty cut down.  A few more cuts and I should be down to one bin.  My big issue now is where to store them.  I probably should go ahead and move them into storage, but I sorta want to keep them all together so I am thinking about changing them to a clear bin and storing them in my closet for now.  My closet is pretty empty.  Although, if we don't move in the next month or two, I'll have to bring some of it back.  YUCK.  And then there is the question of the regular bed linens.  I had them in flexible containers under the bed, but I'm not sure I'm happy with them.  They seem to stay clean and fresh, but it's somewhat of a pain.  Hmmm....

I am starting to get a bit frustrated with the lack of progress on the moving front.  It's mid-September now so it's been almost exactly 3mos.  It feels like so much longer.  We knew this wasn't going to be an overnight thing, but we also had hoped that with the lack of Engineers, and his abundance of experience, it would be much easier than the last move. But so far, that has not proven to be true.  I am a bit relieved that it's only been 1/4 of the year and not the original 1/3 I thought it was because I was thinking it had been closer to 4mos. since we started trying to get going on the move.  I know I was gung-ho about packing, purging, etc. from an early point so maybe that was partially it.  But now that we are making a very small dent, I feel good about the fact that we've been moving right along.  And even if some things have to come back from storage, progress is progress, yes?  Yes.  Slowly but surely.

Well, I'm feeling a smidge better after a sit, some water, and a snack.  I think I will attempt to go check on the hubby and do a few other things.  Until later!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Quiet

I know I've been quiet lately.  Not because I have nothing to say, I've just not had much time!  I really, really haven't.

On the clean-up front for my online life, I've done really well.  I've cleaned down to about 175 on my friend's list.  I may do a few more but I am content right now.  So far, no messages of 'why have you deleted me'?  I don't think I'll get any -- I don't think those people will miss me at all.  I think the feeling will be mutual.  I realize that these are people that aren't on much and people that I never spoke with, so no one's feelings should be hurt.  So why did I hold on so long?  Part laziness.  Truly.  I just added them for one reason or another and just didn't think it mattered to have them there so I just left it.  Now I realize that I want my circle of friends much smaller.  Or should I say my circle of information to be smaller?  I want people to be genuine.  I realize we are all busy and not all of us are wrapped up in our online lives.  And trust me, I'm working towards that more and more between cleaning up the FB and email life (I've already done it with my blogs but will probably do a big clean again soon).  But when I post things or feel things or just need to vent, I want those people to be real people that I know and that I trust with my feelings and information.  I feel like I am getting there slowly but surely.

However, with that said, a part of me is sad.  Sad because I feel like I'm not as open and honest with people as I once was.  I feel like I can't have an opinion on anything anymore and well, what's the point of 'friends' if you are so worried about saying something that they will dump you over that you never speak?  I feel like if I have any kind of opposing or differing opinion, it will start a fight no matter what I say or how I phrase it.  So instead, I say nothing at all.  I almost feel like a stranger to myself because I just.... I just say nothing.  I feel like I've lost some sort of battle and now, now I'm a prisoner of my own thoughts.  I have no way to talk, express, or say anything.  Other than to maybe one or two friends I talk to on the phone and my poor husband.  I worry I talk him to death.  So, even to those people I try not to talk as much.  I guess the only place I talk much anymore is here.  And as you've noticed, I've not been on here much either.  At least I've been busy and that part is very true.

We've gotten a lot done.  A WHOLE lot.  You probably wouldn't be able to see it if you walked into the place, but a massive chunk of work has been done.  As I mentioned before, a bunch of stuff was cleaned out from under the stairs.  I've gone through most of that and either put it in the donate box, thrown it away, or packed it back up in a smaller, better box.  I still have 2 boxes to consolidate and one box to purge.  One flat box is going to be unpacked fully and then moved into the office because a bunch of that stuff is going to be purged and what we keep, I'm going to pack up with the stuff that I will want to actually use/display once we are moved.  I don't know how that stuff ended up under the stairs, but most of it is stuff that I like!  It must have been one of those times where I thought I would move it there for a bit and a bit has turned into a long time.  UGH.  Oh well, I'll get to it soon enough.

Then we tackled the garage.  Our poor.  POOR garbage cans!  Both were FULL.  Both are full again!  But not much we can do.  Gotta move this stuff on out!  I have MORE to take off before long.  Its a LOT of stuff.  I just keep adding to the donate pile.  I keep cramming stuff into the recycle bin and the trash bin.  But you can actually MOVE in the garage now and find what you are looking for.  It's a massive change.  On top of that, I finished organizing the pantry with my new baskets and found a great shelf liner for the cabinets by Contact called Zip-It.  People complained of it not ripping right, but it rips fine if you follow the directions and use something straight and flat to lay along the line you want to pull from.  I had NO issues and it looks fantastic!  The pantry looks great, too!  I also finished the drawers and got them back in.  I need to put in their liner and put the items back.  Next is to finish the doors and put in new hardware.  OH!  I also refinished one of the counter-tops.  I gave it a light sanding and 3 or 4 coats of poly.  Looks so nice!  I will do the other one soon.  We also got the backsplash in!  No grout, but it's in!  We got the tile on the fireplace downstairs today.  Then we tied up several other odds and ends projects.  It's been a VERY busy nearly 2 weeks with only maybe 1 or 2 down days.  You'd think we would have more done, but we are working around 8 hours a day and well, it's a lot.  Not to mention, things just take time.  It takes time to sort, haul, sand, clean, and watch paint dry.  That on top of the normal things like cleaning, meal making, school, etc.  I feel we've done darn well. 

So now, now I am working on a Main To Do List.  We are getting closer and closer to a goal and I need it to remind me of what needs to be done.  I guess we will see....  At least the outside is mostly done.  We have a few odds and ends in the yard, but the house paint is done.  I know we need to clean and seal the deck, seal the carport, and finish our little patio and our little retaining wall.  Hubby and the kiddos refurbed the playhouse/swing and it looks so good!  Not much else to do there.  Maybe buy a new swing seat since one broke.  Slowly but surely.

I haven't given up on my weight but after 2 entire weeks of no loss after being on or under my cals, I got really frustrated and decided to take a little break from MFP.  I've been watching my meals but I know I've been over.  But I've also been much busier, more active, and hungrier than normal.  We've only eaten out 2 times if you can believe it!  Even then, I chose not to go nuts.  I checked my weight last night and it was 177 after eating so I'm about the same.  I know I'm not going to meet my goal at this point and that is ok.  I'm just going to keep going and not stress.  I am, however, going to work harder at getting in my planned exercise.  I think I'll be bored after 2 weeks of non-stop activity if I don't!  LOL

That is about it, folks.  It's just another couple of days until we get back to the daily grind and maybe then I'll get back into some sort of schedule.  But for now... I guess I'm going to go and just do what I can. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Continuing

Hello fellow bloggers!  Thought I would jump on here for a few before I really get started with my day.  Because, well, it's going to probably be a busy day.  We are either going to go run errands like crazy or going to work on a project or four.  lol  So, I wanted to post a little something now or I know I wouldn't get to it again for a day or so.  Of course, my 'little somethings' always turn into long ass blogs.  Sorry about that, friends.  I just get on a roll and well... it's hard to stop.  HA!

Anyways, I have been continuing the decluttering of my life.  I feel like I've been cleaning up a bunch of loose ends and making progress.  It started with a few people on FB, then moved to removing myself as Admin.  Now, I've cleaned my friend's list down under 200 and my feed is SO. MUCH. BETTER.  I can actually get on, catch up, and be off in just a few minutes.  It's really nice!  I ended up deleting a few groups, too.  And changing settings.  That felt so good that I decided that I needed to clean up my email some.  I went through and 'unsubscribed' to a BUNCH of things.  Don't get me wrong, I love coupons and things, but I can look them up pretty easily and the abundance of email was getting overwhelming.  I then decided that it was time to start doing some physical purging and that is where I busted out the area underneath my stairs.  Not only did I pull everything out of there, but I fixed the rugs, vacuumed ALL of it, and only put the things back that we MIGHT need over the next couple of months.  I need to finish that today, but overall, the progress was good.  I kinda want to spend the day doing that kind of stuff.  The garage, which is our work area, has gotten really out of control over the last few weeks.  And right now, apparently what I need is things put back to simple and easing my stress.  I guess that means I should be finding time for exercise, but so far, no go.  I'm staying 'busy', but not formally working out.  Although, the last two days weren't too active with sick kiddos. 

I just want to continue the simplification.  I want to keep moving away from the jumble.  I realize there will be times of jumble, but right now, I feel good getting things in line.  I'm feeling more peaceful and less stressed.  Hubby and I had a long talk about our plans, and I think that helped, too.

On another note, the scale isn't moving.  My cals have been under every week of Aug. except for the first couple of days since we were out of town.  But since then, my weekly average is not only where it should be, but a bit under.  But no loss this week.  Actually, up a pound to 175.5.  UGH.  I'm not even sure why other than with the illness, I haven't been sleeping well.  And hubby was on nights so it was up to me to be with the kiddos.  Which is fine, but I just don't sleep well which makes me feel yucky.  I think we are getting to where working shift work is a major pain in the ass.  But that's all I have with that.  Damn scale!  For the last 3 days, I've been over.  No, I take that back.  I was under last night.  But the two days before I was over but not by much.  I rounded up on my dessert.  So, one day it shows over by almost 200 and the next day 90 something.  But I was probably only over by like, 60.  But I like to round up on home-made stuff since it's harder to measure stuff like cake.  After not losing last week and being well under, I'm not really happy.  I'm not setting myself up for failure this week, I just had a really hungry day one day and like I said, rounded up another.  So, already, I don't expect a loss this week, either.  :/  I just don't get what happened last week.  I guess it's just the normal ups and downs.  I find it really frustrating to lose so well for a week or two and then BAM.  Stall out.  Today is the 4th, so I have less than 20 days to the first day of Fall and I just don't think I'm going to meet my goal.  I just don't think I can lose 6lbs. in 20 days.  That bums me out.  It isn't the end of the world, though.  I can keep going.  And try... really TRY not to let one week of no loss drive me crazy.  My body always seems to get right here and then refuse to move lower.  Which has be convinced that an article I read a while back was completely valid.  It basically said that our body stalls out at certain weights because that is a remembered weight and it likes it there.  So, you have to hold out longer and harder to move past it.  So, I have to hold out over the next couple of weeks and get past this.  If I can get lower and move out of the 170's, it will adjust.  But getting past this little area of 173 to 176 is always an issue for me.  I need to try to be aware and thoughtful of it and stay the course.

 I think it's time I got off of here and got to work.  This garage is calling my name!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Simplifying

It's been a rather boring day.  We did much of nothing but sit around all day.  You see, my oldest is sick.  Struck a random fever yesterday of 103 out of the blue.  It came and went.  Today, no high fever but it has hovered around 100 all day.  My original plan was to send on to school since all day, there was not any real signs and 'fine'.  My new plan is oldest will be staying home tomorrow.  There's been coughing and coughing and it took forever to go to sleep.  When I went in to give a dose of meds, there was sweaty hair and sheets... which usually means a low grade fever.  So, home is where oldest will be tomorrow.  YUP.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of feeling like garbage.  They get 20 days of school they can miss, but I hate that a day is being used in the first month of school.  We still have to get through 9.  Although they are out almost a month for holidays.  But at this point, I don't want to take the chance. 

I've had a lot of free time today and a lot of time to think.  Also time to talk to other friends and family members.  And I think what Didi commented on some of my other posts is true.  I think I AM frustrated and maybe that is oozing out.  I think that months ago, when dealing with opposing views I could easily see valid points in people's arguments and easily could find a way to deal with it without coming across harsh.  But I think my current BS meter or my tolerance meter or SOMETHING is broken.  I think that maybe, just maybe, I'm cracking a bit and well... considering what all has been going on lately, I think I have every reason to feel a bit overwhelmed.  The funny thing is, as upset as I was the other night over my 'friends', I am now equally relieved.  Go ahead and ask me why?  Come on!  ASK ME. 

Ok.  I'll tell you.  I am relieved because after talking to my real friends and family today, I've realized that I am better off without these people in my life.  I am better off without their lack of trust and faith in me.  I am better off having them walk away so that eventually, I don't have to be the one to cut them.  Because that is what would happen.  Eventually, maybe way down the road, I would realize that these people care not one whit for me.  Not really.  They just don't.  Because as a real friend of mine reminded me today, real friends see when you are hurting.  They see when you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.  And instead of attacking you or cutting you out, they instead cut you some slack.  They understand that when you've dug in like a bulldog, it's because there are other issues that feel so out of control that you are digging in with something because you can.  Or that you are despondent, because there are so many emotions, you don't know which one to deal with first.  So, in the end, even though I am regretful of how these friendships ended, I no longer regret that they are over.  It was time to move on. 

With that said, I want to say I realize that not everyone can get me all the time.  I realize I have acquaintances that won't realize when things are off.  But those aren't the folks who seem to get offended typically.  Although, the one 'friend' was actually an acquaintance.  And the friend that I lost... well... I guess we just weren't as close as I originally had thought we were.  And that is ok.  It's really ok.  And I'm glad to be moving on.  I feel at peace with it.

Along with feeling at peace, I've realized that right now, I have to put my emotional state first.  I started that by cutting back on FB the last couple of days.  I'm checking it whenever I want to like in the AM or in the evening, but I'm checking it and getting off.  I decided today that I needed to do more.  So, I quit the two pages I was admin on.  I messaged them and told them that I just couldn't do it anymore and was choosing to stay as a member, but no longer as an Admin.  I just couldn't do anymore.  It's too much drama.  Another thing is I have started going through my 'Friends' list and have started deleting and weeding people out.  I had around 250 people at one point.  I know that isn't 'a lot' but I promise you, the vast majority of those people are just people I know.  Not real friends.  When I signed out tonight, I was down to around 215.  I am thinking that before long, I will get it below 200 and keep working my way down.  Most of these people I knew growing up but I haven't seen in years.  Many I never even talk to on there.  I want to keep the people I want to keep, but it's time to weed out the ones who don't mean anything.  Ones that I added just because I passed them in the hallways at school.  Or because we had reunion, or because I sold them something or bought something from them at some point.  It's just time to go.  I only want to keep the ones I really want to keep in touch with. 

I guess my point is, I'm trying to let things go and find some peace.  I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I need to keep moving forward and not allow myself to drown in negativity.  And I was heading there quickly.  I'm going to work on it.  That is all I can do.