Friday, October 31, 2014

Meh

It's a meh kinda day here.  It's dreary out.  It's cold.  And I'm hating it.  Everyone is all excited about the super slim chance of snow this weekend, and I'm like NOOOOOOO!  I'm also pretty 'meh' about Halloween this year.  I guess I'm just over every thing.  I wish I felt more like being in the spirit, but I'm just not.  I HAVE been thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I guess that's good.  I'm just not super stoked about much.  The kids don't seem to be either, so that isn't helping.  If they were more excited, I think it would rub off and vice versa.  But we all seem pretty 'meh'. 

Things around here are about the same.  We've been working outside and trying to knock out as much as we are comfortable doing in a day.  Little by little.  And believe it or not, the back yard looks darn good.  I have gotten almost all of that old wood cut down and hauled off in the trash over the last couple of weeks.  I hope to get some more done either later today or tomorrow -- if the weather holds out.  I cleaned up some old glass.  I built the retaining wall for the carport and capped off the small one around the HVAC -- it's not done, but it's in motion.  We got started on the patio and got it laid.  Just have to decide if we like it and then put down the pebbles for the spaces.  We moved and cleaned all of the outside structures that aren't going with us to get them sold.  The yard is starting to look like an actual yard instead of a work zone!  LOL

The inside has had some work but between getting other things done and doing the normal daily grind, we didn't make much progress.  As a matter-of-fact, I don't see much of anything getting done today.  I just took meds, but my head still feels so clogged.  UGH.

On other fronts, I'm trying to decide what to do with my hair.  It is SO long.  No joke.  I'm only a couple of inches from my backside when it is straight.  I've been leaving it alone lately and wearing it wavy or curling it, though.  But it's still crazy long.  I am massively due for a color and cut.  But I am trying to decide if I should just go in for a cut and color myself, or if I should cough up the moola.  I'm torn.  My stylist is awesome and the color holds up really well, but it's so costly.  I need all the things done like base color, ombre streaks, and cut.  So... probably around $200.  I think a cut is $30 and a box of color around $10.  *sigh*  I guess I will wait and see.

Weight is still about the same.  My high seems to be around 175 so I'm good with that.  I do want to move lower, but with all of this really physical labor, seems to be hard to keep my hunger level in check.  I'm thinking that with my iron being low, I'm going to have to focus more on my protein intake.  Gotta keep up that iron!  I'm also taking a supplement and it does help so much.  My energy levels seemed to go up after just a few days. 

All in all, I feel like I'm doing darn well.  I'm not doing formal workouts at all, but I'm getting in physical work for sure.  But I need to focus more on doing that formal workout if I'm not so that I keep my activity up.  I think I've been so resentful over the constant talk of 'working it out' that it's made me be rebellious and not work out at all.  I enjoy working out and enjoy the time to myself.  But lately, I've been GRRRR over it because of all the posts that have affected me negatively.  They probably weren't meant negatively, but after seeing them over and over, I feel that way about them.  Like, "I'll show you I can do this without working out!"  Which is silly.  I know I can, but why shoot myself in the foot?  I mean, it's good for me, I enjoy it, and it picks up the slack from where I know I'm not as physically active as I could be.  If that makes sense.  I know what I'm trying to do which is be more active and I know I'm not a gym bunny.  So, what does it matter what they think?  Or do?  Or feel about what I'm doing?  It doesn't.  And I need to get over it.  They need to do what works for them, and I need to do what works for me and stop dwelling on it like it's life or death.  I need to get over myself!  HA!

I guess that's it for today.  I know it's boring around here, but I'm in a weird place these days and I'm not sure what else to say.  Take care all!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Point

I've not felt like blogging lately.  I feel like I've been so bogged down with ALL THE THINGS that I've just not had the energy to put it out there.  I don't even feel like anyone is reading anyways so what is the point?  Maybe just to relieve my stress by getting it out of my head?  No.  I've been talking and venting non-stop to try to deal.  But still, I feel clogged.  Even this little bit I'm trying to get out feels like trying to pull teeth out of a rhino's ass.

I really guess the bottom line is that I feel a ton of pressure and I'm under too much stress with no release.  I'm thinking I need to get back to working out... although, I've been doing enough outside work that I should have burned out ALL THE THINGS.  Today, I moved dirt and dug a small trench.  Tomorrow, I hope to go ahead and get down the sand and then the block.  I don't think I will get it all done as the bags of sand are like 30lbs. and each block more than 25lbs.  After squatting all of that several times to move, pour, and arrange, I'm sure I'll have had a good workout!  I may also start on the back house run.  I back filled that today with dirt, so all I need to do is put down the weed barrier and then put the big rocks.  I'll just have to see how I do.  I want to work a little bit out there each day.  I want to stay on task in the house, and make some decisions.

One of the decisions that I need to make is how to come up with the money for tuition.  It's the end of Oct., so we would need 7mos. worth to get through May.  That's $1680 to $2100 for the cheapest preschool that I know of currently.  Not to mention the year has already started so my options to get him in somewhere are going to be limited.  But he is begging to go and his brother started before he did.  And if we aren't moving anytime soon, he might as well go.  I'm just not sure where I am going to carve it out of the budget.  My focus has been to pay off bills and to get money put back for a few things like new tires, insurance, and our move.  Not to mention to bolster up our emergency fund.  But with this, I'm not sure how we will do it.  I can't cut anything else.  There's nothing to cut.  I guess I could try to work part time, but the market is so full of people, my chances would be slim to none.  I'm just not sure what to do.  We were so close to paying off this one debt... UGH.  Ironically, it's almost exactly the amount that the tuition is.  :/  But it WAS much higher.  It was the first remodel loan we took out on the house for the major reno that we couldn't pay cash for because the amount was just too high.  And we were within reach now.  UGH. 

My head is just so full of so much.  I'm not sure where to go at this point.  I do know one thing.... I need to go fold up some laundry.  I have two loads in my room, a load downstairs, and one about to go in the dryer.  So, I need to get to it so it doesn't get piled up.  That is, if this kiddo will ever go to sleep.  That's another thing -- I am thinking that being busier during the day will help him sleep better at night.  But I could be wrong!  LOL

Friday, October 17, 2014

Catching Up

I think I should go back and see where I was the last time I posted....

Ok.  So, it's been a little over a week which makes perfect sense.  I guess you're wondering what I've been up to?  The long and short is that we took a trip to FL to look at houses.  We had hoped, and thought, we would be able to find a transition home at around 100k.  Nothing big or fancy, but just maybe a townhouse with a small yard that needed a bit of work.  Something we could either flip or use as a rental later.  The point of buying over renting was that we hadn't been able to find ANYONE willing to rent to use with our 6 pets.  Even if we do end up rehoming two (they were abandoned by a neighbors renters), we would still have 4.  And most won't rent with even that many.  :/  SO, we talked it over and over and renting just kept looking worse and worse.  There was also the cost.  Renting a 2 or even 1 bedroom place was just crazy high.  The lowest being somewhere around $450 in a HORRIBLE area and then 2bd's being above what we would spend to buy.  A 3 was completely out of the question.  So, buying just kept coming back around.  We called the bank and got approval in about 15mins.  Good credit really does have it's advantages!  We started looking online right away and spoke with a Realtor.

We found a few places and all of them had their own goods and bads.  We found one spanking brand new one (not even finished so we would get to pick that!) but it just didn't appeal the way we thought it should.  It was smidge more than we wanted to pay, too.  But then we found this older one and really, REALLY liked it!  However, the owner isn't willing to be honest with themselves about the property.  It's old and dated.  They are in denial trying to get the same price for it as you would one that had been remodeled.  We put in a fair offer of 90k asking for up to 5k in closing.  They inherited the property, so in theory, they walk away with a clear 85k+.  They kept saying they had done 20k in upgrades in the last year.  Well, we couldn't find them if they did other than new kitchen cabinets!  They put in a counter, but it's a cheap laminate that was probably bought at Home Depot.  No problem with that except it isn't really our thing.  They wanted us to not only come up 5k, but also give up half of the closing costs AND do no repairs AND no home warranty AND nothing else out of their pockets.  Um.  NO.  We gave you a very clear cut offer that was competitive with the other properties.  Just NO.  Our Realtor is pissed with usand frankly, we don't care.  We told him when he put in the offer that this was our best offer for that property and we're not going to go back and forth.  If they had come back at 95k and left the closing costs, we might have considered.  But to split both in half?  NO.  We have a feeling he told them we would come up to 95k because that is what he recommended to us and kept pushing heavily.  We don't want to come up much simply because we did some research and from our own basic experience, it needs right at 20k in updates.  NOT counting the kitchen!  Just in paint, flooring, windows, doors, lighting, bathroom fixtures/vanities, system checks (like HVAC), clean up and demo.  And that is if WE do a lot of the work.  NO THANKS.

After mucho debate, we are now back to thinking that buying the brand spanking new home is our best option.  We WILL have to purge a bit to fit everything in that space, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  The main reason being that here we have that extra bedroom for our office and the family room.  I'm not sure where we would put everything.  I'm thinking our biggest issue will be the desk/office.  The garage will be purged way down just because we won't need a lot when we move.  So, most will either be sold or left here.  The play room is half of our workout stuff and since the newer place has a gym (built into the HOA fees), I'm not sure we would need to take our stuff -- have to check and see what all they have.  That leaves just the toy organizer things, the futon, and a chair from that room.  The futon can be sold.  I want to keep my chair, but if I had to let it go, I could.  The office is harder.  I can purge down the books some more and even the craft stuff, but I'm not sure what to do about a desk unless we put it in our bedroom.  :/  I hate that.  But not sure what else we can do.  The rest of the house has been purged down pretty far and we are in the mode of 'use stuff up' now as far as food goes.  I'm trying to really only buy fresh with just a few easy meal things here and there.  That way with each meal/snack we are using something out of the pantry or freezer.  I'm not always 100%, but we're working it down.  Slowly.  My item last night was creamed corn.  LOL  Yes, I know t can travel, but we have so much!  So, we've been trying to clean things out.  I do slip and end up over-buying now and then.  Not that it won't get used, but just that our storage is SO FULL!

Anyways, we keep thinking that the new house is new and will need nada so it is worth the extra money we will spend to get into it.  Although, the lack of extra space is a worry.  But we are thinking that if we can get a storage shed up, that would help a lot.  Plus, the new place is in the area we eventually want to be and a better school system.  I realize that isn't the end all be all, but it's nice to have a good school system.  It's just the getting the level of stuff down that is a concern.  I'm not sure where the Ikea storage system could go and how we could make it all fit.  Like the buffet we have in our dining room.  The dining area in that house is SO SMALL.  No room at all for the buffet and it is a vintage piece from my Granny's house.  I refuse to let it go.  I'm thinking maybe a few of the Ikea pieces downstairs for toys and then the rest in youngest's room since oldest already has a good system.  I'm not sure it would work.... The rooms aren't but a bit bigger than what they have now but the closets are for sure bigger.  I think by being open minded and willing to try things in new areas, I could get a decent layout.  Then there is what to do with the animals.  In the one house, they would have their own space (there is a sunroom).  Well, shared.  Since the sunroom would also be the kiddos play room.  UGH.  Going to talk it over with hubby some more today.  So many decisions...

That is really all of it.  I didn't do horrid food wise, but need to get myself in line today.  I've not gotten anything else done from being tired.  I'm just... I'm just sorta here right now and very behind on blogs, books, games, etc.  My poor house is invaded with fleas even with treating and all that so not sure where to go from here.  I'm thinking it's time for DE.  Animals won't like it, but not much choice.  Boring, eh?  Oh well, until later!


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Ucky Weather

The weather has been yucky the last couple of days.  Which blows because... I had outdoor crap I had wanted to finish.  And now I can't really do that with it raining.  *sigh*  Always something.  Granted, it isn't major but I had really wanted to go ahead and get some more clean-up done.  We've pretty much decided to finish up any projects that are functional and leave everything else.  So, what I've been focusing on is the random stuff.  Like, I purged the shed the other day.  I can't remember if I mentioned that.  But I did.  I went through almost everything in there except one bin and purged like crazy.  The pile by the curb for the weekend was LARGE.  Then I went around the yard picking up toys, random bits of wood, and anything else that was broken, no longer used, or just not wanted.  As the trash/recycling ran today, they were VERY VERY FULL.  Some soul stopped by and got the vast majority of crap by the curb over the weekend.  The only poor thing not to be given a second chance at life was a spreader.  The wheel broke and well... I just decided not to try to save it since we didn't really use it.  But seriously, I cleared up a whole pile of random wood.  It was fun cutting it all down into trash bin pieces with the circular saw.  I love that our trash company will take it as long as it fits in the bin!  And I love they do recycling.  Between recycling and our compost bin and trying not to buy stuff with tons of packaging, we don't have much trash at all.  So, I got a good amount of old construction debris put in there.  I still have one more pile.  I am going to slowly work my way through that as we determine what we really need and what we don't.  And with the shed being all neat and clean, it makes it much easier to get in and out.  I still have a few things in there that will be used up over the next couple of weeks, but all in all, it's good.  I even used an old bag of potting soil to fill in some holes.  The biggest change was just getting rid of some toys they don't use any more.  There is one more in there that probably won't go with us, but for right this second, they still like to play with it even if they are really too big for it.  I also have their trash can full of toys to go through.  I think I'll end up getting rid of most of that including the can it is in because it is broken.

BUT, I can't do anything outdoors with it raining.  UGH.  I had really wanted to sort that can of toys today and go run a few errands.  Nothing major.  But stuff I don't like to do when it is raining like it is.  I HATE picking up outdoor stuff in the rain.  That is what I really needed to get.  Mostly just some block and some sand to finish up the two projects I really plan on finishing.  Oh!  And some gravel.  I needed to get some gravel to finish the back part.  And if I can find some border pieces, those, too.  Probably around $250 worth of stuff.  UGH.  But I wasn't going to get it all today simply because we have several returns to do so we might as well do those and use the credit to get it.  Anyways, I am just bummed I can't do it today.  Hmmm... just checked weather and it said it is suppose to be good tomorrow and Thursday.  Maybe I SHOULD go run errands today so that I have everything here for the next couple of days... Well, not everything.  But at least the things I need for a couple of the projects.  Going to think on that for a few then decide.

On another bright note, I weighed in at 172 flat today.  I'm pretty pleased with that and hope to keep that ball rolling.  I feel like I've been in a good place with that lately.  I just want to keep it going and stay on a good path.  I know I ranted about the ol' FB feed the other day.  I've just been removing that negative crap from it.  Or turning off notifications.  And as I said, I haven't commented.  I even went back and deleted a comment I said on one person's.  It just said, "Oh, for crying out loud..."  So, I deleted it.  Why?  Well, I guess it took me a while to get to where I'm at and even though I've tried to help them when they've asked, they have to travel their on path.  I just wish, though, that I would've known back then what I know now.  I probably wouldn't have gained so much weight.  Heck, maybe I could've helped my family; even though I doubt it.  But at least maybe I would've hit my realization earlier.  Who knows.  Maybe not.  I'm a stubborn woman!

I guess this is about all for now other than the relocation.  Didi commented that she thought we were going for Tampa so wanted to clear that up real quick.  We did talk about Tampa for quite a while, but since about May, first of June, it's been Panama City/Panama City Beach.  We went there on vacay and just loved it.  We have talked about a temporary transfer to Tampa just to get us down there, but we're not really keen on that since we believe it would be harder on the kiddos.  If we had to, we would, but it's sort of last resort.  So far, hubby still has had no luck in the job market.  And honestly, we knew it but it's been a bummer.  His particular field is in high demand, but it just seems like it is dragging.  It's been 4mos and not one single bite.  It's frustrating but at the same time, we gave ourselves a year.  We're working on getting down there, but there is only so much we can do.  So, we will see.

Now that is it.  LOL  Until later!

Monday, October 6, 2014

*RANT* continuation *RANT*

Here is the continuation of the previous blog -- but I warn you, it's a RANT!

Anyways, after all of that, THEN another person on my feed posts about how she's been having health issues and her doctor is NO help.  Let me say up front, that I'm not saying that doctors are perfect or that they don't make mistakes.  With that said, she was complaining of a sunburn feeling and tingling.  And then went on to say instead of taking her doc's advice, anyone else's advice or getting a second opinion, she has decided to take that Zija garbage.  UGH.  You wanna know what her real problem is?  It's twofold... she's fat and she is lazy.  There.  I said it.  She's fat and lazy!  I have a feeling that a lot of her issues are due to her weight. I'm not saying all -- she could have a real illness but she will never know because she just won't go and see another doc to get a second opinion!  Why do I think her weight is heavily involved?  She has to be over 300lbs.  That is not a guess on my part but rather an estimate.  The last I saw her, she was smaller and told me she was at either 265 or 285.  She is much larger now.  She has gained SO much weight.  :(  She has gained so much that her face doesn't even look like her.  I don't even know how to describe her without it sounding really mean and that isn't my intention.  The reason I say she is lazy is because the last time I saw her, which was exactly 2yrs. ago, she commented how I had lost weight and asked me what I had done.  I told her it was simple -- I eat a bit less and stay a bit busier.  I workout when I can but otherwise, I just try to stay active.  She said, "Oh, I've tried that stuff before and it doesn't work.  I just can't stick to it."  I then went on to tell her that it's not hard -- just take it slow making small changes and eventually it would become second nature and wouldn't feel so restrictive.  It all adds up.  I also told her that I don't do crazy low cals.  From my calculations, I would need about 1600 to maintain my goal weight, so that is what I aim for.  I could go faster, but meh.  Slow and steady is good for me because I fail when I'm too restrictive and place unrealistic expectations on myself.  Another friend there then went on to talk about Shakeology.  I have NO issues with Shakeology but it does NOT.... I repeat, it DOES NOT make you lose weight.  If you lose weight using it, it's simply a matter of you have consumed less calories.  It's great for nutrients and all that, but it isn't for weight loss.  So, this other friend went on to extoll the virtues of this miracle shake and yadda yadda and I told her what I just said.  She said it helped her lose.  I said it helped because you're getting more nutrients, you're paying more attention to your food, and over all, you are consuming less calories.  She said no, she wasn't.  I asked what her typical breakfast was and rattled off the numbers and she STILL refused to believe it.  So back to the original person.  She decided shakes were the way to go and started going to a local place and buying a protein shake every morning at nearly $5 a DAY!  She is also the one who complains of being broke.  *insert eye roll*  I looked up what she was having and not only was it nearly $5, it was almost 700 calories!  She ranted one day that she hadn't lost weight so I asked her if she had looked them up and she said no that it was a protein shake so she assumed it was healthy.  Um. NO.  I told her to look it up.  Instead of seeing the light, she then decided to make her own shakes at home and dropped a small fortune on a Nurtri-bullet.  *sigh*  And her 'trainer' was an ass pushing all this.  AARGH.  She did that and still nothing.  She did phentremine (sp?) and this and that and nada.  Nada but complain and complain.

All this time she was complaining about all this, I have been steadily doing what I do and I'm around 15lbs. thinner.  Maybe 20.  I can't remember for sure.  It's nothing dramatic, but it's not a gain.  And yet, she STILL doesn't get it!!!  She could be thinner by now!  She could have cut a lot of these issues!  She could've done all this and more!  But I'm not her mother OR her trainer, so I've held my tongue.  I don't mention it unless she posts and then she gets snarky so I've quit posting at all on her stuff.  Because it's STUPID!  I realize this isn't my issue and well, I can't change it.  But this type of mentality irks the absolute snot out of me.  I cannot get over the fact that so many people know how to change their problems and instead of doing the SIMPLE fix, they try to make it complicated!  She sticks with NOTHING and doesn't do ANY research looking for the 'quick fix'.  Well, it doesn't exist.  It's like someone who is lactose intolerant eating dairy all the time and is sick all the time refusing to cut back the damn dairy and then complaining, whining, and crying because they feel bad.  Lazy and stupid!  I'm betting dimes to dollars that she will end up getting gastric bypass before it is all over with.  And she will be one of the ones who gains it back because she still won't do the work.  Surgery is a tool and not the fix all.  I've had two friends do it and BOTH are struggling with keeping it off.  It isn't an easy road for anyone I know, anyone I've met, or anyone I've talked to.  The fix is simple, but there is work involved and apparently people won't do it anymore.  They make it out to be this impossible thing.  Do we all have moments where we feel like failures?  Of course!  But don't just keep on doing the same old crap over and over and expecting different results.

I don't get the extremes in the 'health' or weight world.  I just don't get it.  Is it because I've traveled that road and now I'm on the other side so I feel more strongly or what?  I'm wondering if it is.  Both sides of the spectrum bother me and I'm thinking that I am going to have to remove myself completely from it.  I WANT to be helpful.  That's the reality.  I know I have this mothering mentality and that I want to be good, I want to be helpful, I want people to like me and depend on me.  But I'm also not willing to keep doing the same things and getting the same results.  I've cut out a lot lately and while my stress level has been better, I also feel somewhat empty because I haven't had much social interaction because I feel like it's been this topic over and over lately and obviously, I find it volatile!  I try not to go on and on about it, but once in a while (like now!) it builds up and I have to spew it out.  UGH.  I guess it's one of those things where the extremes bug me.  You have the one side that thinks you HAVE to work out in a GYM,  you have to SWEAT, you have to go for HOURS, and you better get skinny, have abs, and fit a size two FAST or you DID IT WRONG!  And don't forget!  You MUST eat CLEAN -- 100%!!!!  Then there's the other side that does NOTHING.  Both sides complaining about different things and both making my head ring.  I can't seem to get away from it because I fight my own battles with it so it sticks out. 

So what am I going to do about it?  Nothing.  Yup.  I'm going to just ignore these posts when they pop up and do what I have been doing over the last few weeks.  Stay off the FB and if I comment, make sure I can comment in a kind and clear way or don't comment at all, block or turn off notifications for certain people and topics, and only visit MFP when I'm checking cals.  I've been staying off of the forums and the site period lately.  So, in reality, nothing is changing.  I just wanted to rant and get it off of my chest.  Their path is theirs to travel and sadly, I can't be their guide.  No.  NOT sadly.  Sadly, they can't be their own guide.  And I'm not willing to travel the path of trying to be their guide.  All I can do is be a casual observer and wish them luck.  And I do.  I wish both extremes luck and good will to find balance.  I wish that for them because it is what I wish for myself.  I'm working towards it.  I think ranting here helps with that.  It helps me to write it, to read it, and get it out. 

Until later....

Teensy Weensy Better

I'm feeling a bit better today.  Not a huge honkin' amount, but a teensy weensy bit better.  I still have a ton on my mind, but I'm working on it.

I had so much on my mind yesterday and last night that I couldn't sleep.  So, I decided to be pro-active and deal with one of the issues head on.  It was my budget binder and my register.  I had put it off for over a month!  A MONTH!  I was paying bills, but I hadn't done the next month and I hadn't updated our debts or cleared it all.  So, when I couldn't sleep, I decided to do that and get it over with.  I thought maybe if I was active in clearing one thing, it would help my brain and I would be able to go to sleep.  So, I did Oct.'s budget with a few tweaks.  Going to review it today and then work it for the next few months.  I caught the register up to the day and penny.  And I updated the debts page.  I love, Love, LOVE marking a big PAID on debt!!!  Makes me happy!  Slowly but surely working my way down.  But hubby really is starting to push for a refi if the move isn't soon.  I'm starting to agree.

The move is also on my mind.  My parents are getting older and the other day on the phone, I kept thinking I'm not sure if a move is good.  I'm not sure what will happen if they get any worse off.  They aren't even old, but they are for sure overweight and in bad health.  Truthfully, it's one of the main reasons why I have wanted to lose weight and be more active.  Not to be a health nut, have six pack abs, or fit a certain size.  But just to be overall healthier.  Seeing them struggle so much when they aren't even that old hurts me and bothers me so much.  I see my friend's parents who are their age or older still out running around and mine can barely go up the stairs.  You'd think they were in their late 80's or heck, 90's.  Not their early 60's.  Anyways, they have hired someone to help with yard work and things, but I'm just not sure how they are going to get along.  Already, they struggle.  Who will take care of them if we are in another state?  I can't depend on my brother for it.  Not because he isn't a good guy.  He's a great guy.  We're very different, but he's still a good man.  But the thing is, he's in a relationship where he has to take care of his partner as-is.  She's much older than him and has issues... like, she can't go in a car.  So there are times when my parents really need someone and he just can't do it.  Like, when my Dad was in the hospital.  I went down for the entire week to take care of everything including my Mom.  He came down a day or so then went home then came back at the end of the week.  He swore up and down he would stay for a few days but by the time I drove the nearly 2hrs. home and called to say I had gotten back safely, he had already left.  I was SO. ANGRY.  I cannot even put into WORDS the anger I felt.  He said his girlfriend needed him.  Yeah, well, Mom needed him.  She will tell him she is fine and to go on, but what she NEEDS is for someone to stay there with her.  I couldn't go back down at that point.  I was at utter exhaustion.  I did go back though.  And he finally go to move out of ICU so at that point, it was ok.  He had made it through the worst of the storm.

Anyways, my point is that I worry they won't have the support they need if we move so we talked some last night of moving back to my home town.  It's not what we want, it's not what we feel is right, but it would be the right thing to do.  Once in a while, briefly, my parents talk of moving with us.  The reality is, that will not happen.  I know them.  They are VERY set in their ways and won't do it.  They'll just say it to make us feel better (sorta like sending the bro home saying they are ok when then aren't), but in the end they will stay where they are.  With no one to really help them out.  Not that we see them tons now.  Probably 4 times a year.  That would drop off greatly if we move to maybe 1 or 2 times per year.  Which I know would be hard because my parents already don't have my bro's kids.  My Mom has said before how being a grandparent hasn't turned out the way she had hoped.  :(  I know it makes her sad... and lonely.  And she doesn't admit it, but I believe she is depressed.

So, I looked up houses and land in my old home town.  Mostly houses.  My parents have land.  I looked at that, too.  I knew there was a good amount, so I had wanted to see it's actual layout.  Turns out that there are two ways on to the property.  Really, three.  Through my parents/grandparents,  a logging road, and the back side from another road.  Leaving us plenty of possibilities if we decided to build a house there.  I'm not sure that I would want to live there, but if we decide to move back, it would be an option.  Honestly, I think if we were there, we would have a driveway that went across the entire thing so that we could get out either way.  LOL  I like options.  HA!  I found few houses closer into town, too.  So, I guess we would have options there, too.  I am just not sure what to do.

That is the gist of the things bogging my brain down lately.  Other minor things have bugged me but those are the biggies.  Minor things have been the stupidity of people and how it annoys me.  I've written about issues in the past.  And those were what I felt were fairly big.  I've just kept going on and let them be.  I've also not let them bog me down and have kept on doing the right things.  Like, just a couple of hours ago, I went over and closed their umbrella and fixed their table (it had fallen over in heavy wind).  I noticed they were out of town this morning.  We were due big storms.  So, I fixed it.  Not to kiss ass, but because it was the right thing to do and I would hope that the same would be returned.  No idea if they would and I would say no.  But that doesn't mean that I don't.  I'm still going to do the right thing even if it is never returned.  What I'm talking about now though is completely different even if it is along the same basic lines.

It always all comes back to weight.  At least here lately it does.  Lately, I feel like every issue that comes up in some way has something to do with this.  I've not been counting calories.  I've not been doing 'formal' exercise although I've been really busy and active.  But I'm good.  I saw 172.5 on the scale the other night at the end of the night.  So, I'm pretty positive I'm lower than that.  But I won't get too excited, yet.  Anyways, any of you that are reading this and have survived this epic novel this far, know that this has been a LONG process for me.  And I'm good with how this is going.  It's been hard but simple.  I'm just staying busy and not eating all the time.  I'm getting there at my own pace.  So, when I hear people talk about diet and exercise, it can be a fun mutual topic, or a point of contention.  Lately, it's the latter.  I wish I was making this up, but I swear the topic has been all over.  I've ignored it for the most part and scrolled past it.  But DAD GUM.  Could people drop it?  One of the girls on my feed is all into Shakeology and doing P90X.  She loves it, which is awesome.  But she talks about it ALL THE TIME.  I've been blocking her notifications because of it.  Because truthfully, I think she looks awful.  But to each their own.  Anyways, she posed the question of whether it was selfish.  And some of the responses were... well... weird.  Especially where one lady equated exercise being un-Godly.  I basically said it wasn't selfish, but it can become a problem if it takes over your life and becomes more of a priority than anything else.  Then another girl posted about how she had 'failed' because she didn't work out every day.  Then yet another posted... and another.  It's flooded my feed lately.  Driving me bonkers!  I thought January was the month for this?

After typing up my thoughts on this, I realized that I had typed a novel!  So, I moved that to another post.  If you read it, read with caution as it is long and a bit of a rant!  ;)

So much

I have so much on my mind right now that I can't seem to write.  I've tried a few times now, and I just blank out.  But... I'm ok.  I'm alive.  I just think I have writer's block or something.  I'm not really a writer, so brain block?