So. So. So.

Sooooo...  I did weigh on Sunday but decided to wait and count my Halloween weight as my final weigh in since it was the last day of the month.  I ended October at the same weight I started: 193.  I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but overall it's right where I expected to be.  Although, I weighed in this AM at 192.  But I guess that is good -- hopefully that means that Nov. will be a better month than Oct.!  LOL  I had REALLY hoped to be in the 180's by Halloween, but it is what it is.  I just got to stay on my game now and not get so distracted.  I really think my cycle and hormones were messed up last month making it more difficult than normal.  Hopefully I can be more aware this month and not let things get to me so much.  And I won't let food be my mode of relaxation!  LOL  I don't think I did too horribly, but I DID have a couple of really bad days... like the donut day.  But overall, I don't think I did too bad.  But I need to make this month better.  I think I will read back over my entries just to see how it was.

Too many off days.  I mean, I know I hate to waste food and all that (who doesn't?), but really.  Looking back over the entire month, I really think I had too many lax days.  I think I can be lax, but it's got to be within reason.  I know I was good a lot, but the last two weeks of Oct., I think I just quit trying as hard.  Which is ok when you're trying to maintain, but not great when you're trying to lose.  Know what I mean?  So, need to be more on top of it this month and make sure not to be TOO lax!!!

One good thing is that I went to get dressed yesterday and my TIGHT pants from last year were so loose they nearly fell off!  :D  I was SO happy.  They are 18R... Not 18W.  So, for them to be lose really made me feel good.  They were so tight last year I was darn near miserable wearing them so they only got worn a few times.  I didn't wear them much until after Jan. when my weight started going down and I could wear them without feeling like a big pimple.  But then it got warm and well, I hadn't tried them on since.  But yesterday I needed something warm and comfy so I put them on.  I was AMAZED at how loose they were!  Then we went out trick-or-treating in our friends neighborhood and when she saw me, she didn't recognize me!  She was like, OH MY GOSH!  You're MELTING!  I laughed and said slowly but surely and hopefully I could lose at least 30 more!  Made me feel good to see someone I hadn't in a long time and they could REALLY see the change.

I needed that to be honest because I still feel so fat.  I think that is why when thinner people talk about being fat it bugs me.  I guess in my head I can't see feeling fat if you only need to lose a little.  But that's dumb because if you are use to being say 135 and you gain 10lbs., that's pretty much a pant size!  But I had needed someone to see that change and see that I am working towards being 'normal'.  Even if my normal isn't their normal.  I felt 'normal' before when I was around the high 180's and wearing a 14.  But right now I am a 16 and still feel so... BIG.  When will that pass this time?  I don't think I will feel 'normal' even in a 14 or in the 180's.  Not sure why.  Not to say that I didn't still think I was big before when I was a 14... I just mean I didn't feel huge.  14 was comfortably in the normal range.  Meaning, I didn't have to wear plus sizes anymore.  So, I keep wondering when I will feel like I'm more in the normal range.  Probably the 170's and a size 12.  That is a long way off, but I hope I can get there in Spring.  I don't feel awful now, but I don't feel very normal even though I have been starting to shop in the misses section instead of plus.  I know this is silly, but I really hope that in the end I can shop some in Juniors!  Mostly because some of the tops are SO cute!  I will still get everything else in misses, but some of the cute tops would be nice to get.  I think that is why I love Kohl's and JCP -- even their misses clothes are cute and stylish and not GRANDMA clothes!  Up until just a couple of years ago, the misses stuff was SO ugly and matronly.  I want to dress my age but be fun and stylish, too.  But if the trends keep up, I may not have to even look at juniors come Spring!  LOL  Oh, I forgot about New York and Company.  I like that place, too.  And of course Target.  I sometimes get cute filler things at Wally, but I don't always have great luck with their stuff holding up.  Oh, and thrift stores!  Ok, I like stuff from everywhere... I just mix and match.  However, I don't like to spend a ton.  I'm sorta cheap on stuff.  I don't mind spending money on good sneakers, jeans, or bags and jackets, but for tops and jewelry, I am sorta cheap.  The trends just change too much to spend too much money on them!

Well, now that I've rambled on and on... I guess I will bring this to an end.  I need to research a few things and then if I can, drag myself off of the couch to get a few things done.  I am so pooped out today, but I still need to do the basics.  Hope you all had a Happy Halloween!  :D