Monday, October 6, 2014

Teensy Weensy Better

I'm feeling a bit better today.  Not a huge honkin' amount, but a teensy weensy bit better.  I still have a ton on my mind, but I'm working on it.

I had so much on my mind yesterday and last night that I couldn't sleep.  So, I decided to be pro-active and deal with one of the issues head on.  It was my budget binder and my register.  I had put it off for over a month!  A MONTH!  I was paying bills, but I hadn't done the next month and I hadn't updated our debts or cleared it all.  So, when I couldn't sleep, I decided to do that and get it over with.  I thought maybe if I was active in clearing one thing, it would help my brain and I would be able to go to sleep.  So, I did Oct.'s budget with a few tweaks.  Going to review it today and then work it for the next few months.  I caught the register up to the day and penny.  And I updated the debts page.  I love, Love, LOVE marking a big PAID on debt!!!  Makes me happy!  Slowly but surely working my way down.  But hubby really is starting to push for a refi if the move isn't soon.  I'm starting to agree.

The move is also on my mind.  My parents are getting older and the other day on the phone, I kept thinking I'm not sure if a move is good.  I'm not sure what will happen if they get any worse off.  They aren't even old, but they are for sure overweight and in bad health.  Truthfully, it's one of the main reasons why I have wanted to lose weight and be more active.  Not to be a health nut, have six pack abs, or fit a certain size.  But just to be overall healthier.  Seeing them struggle so much when they aren't even that old hurts me and bothers me so much.  I see my friend's parents who are their age or older still out running around and mine can barely go up the stairs.  You'd think they were in their late 80's or heck, 90's.  Not their early 60's.  Anyways, they have hired someone to help with yard work and things, but I'm just not sure how they are going to get along.  Already, they struggle.  Who will take care of them if we are in another state?  I can't depend on my brother for it.  Not because he isn't a good guy.  He's a great guy.  We're very different, but he's still a good man.  But the thing is, he's in a relationship where he has to take care of his partner as-is.  She's much older than him and has issues... like, she can't go in a car.  So there are times when my parents really need someone and he just can't do it.  Like, when my Dad was in the hospital.  I went down for the entire week to take care of everything including my Mom.  He came down a day or so then went home then came back at the end of the week.  He swore up and down he would stay for a few days but by the time I drove the nearly 2hrs. home and called to say I had gotten back safely, he had already left.  I was SO. ANGRY.  I cannot even put into WORDS the anger I felt.  He said his girlfriend needed him.  Yeah, well, Mom needed him.  She will tell him she is fine and to go on, but what she NEEDS is for someone to stay there with her.  I couldn't go back down at that point.  I was at utter exhaustion.  I did go back though.  And he finally go to move out of ICU so at that point, it was ok.  He had made it through the worst of the storm.

Anyways, my point is that I worry they won't have the support they need if we move so we talked some last night of moving back to my home town.  It's not what we want, it's not what we feel is right, but it would be the right thing to do.  Once in a while, briefly, my parents talk of moving with us.  The reality is, that will not happen.  I know them.  They are VERY set in their ways and won't do it.  They'll just say it to make us feel better (sorta like sending the bro home saying they are ok when then aren't), but in the end they will stay where they are.  With no one to really help them out.  Not that we see them tons now.  Probably 4 times a year.  That would drop off greatly if we move to maybe 1 or 2 times per year.  Which I know would be hard because my parents already don't have my bro's kids.  My Mom has said before how being a grandparent hasn't turned out the way she had hoped.  :(  I know it makes her sad... and lonely.  And she doesn't admit it, but I believe she is depressed.

So, I looked up houses and land in my old home town.  Mostly houses.  My parents have land.  I looked at that, too.  I knew there was a good amount, so I had wanted to see it's actual layout.  Turns out that there are two ways on to the property.  Really, three.  Through my parents/grandparents,  a logging road, and the back side from another road.  Leaving us plenty of possibilities if we decided to build a house there.  I'm not sure that I would want to live there, but if we decide to move back, it would be an option.  Honestly, I think if we were there, we would have a driveway that went across the entire thing so that we could get out either way.  LOL  I like options.  HA!  I found few houses closer into town, too.  So, I guess we would have options there, too.  I am just not sure what to do.

That is the gist of the things bogging my brain down lately.  Other minor things have bugged me but those are the biggies.  Minor things have been the stupidity of people and how it annoys me.  I've written about issues in the past.  And those were what I felt were fairly big.  I've just kept going on and let them be.  I've also not let them bog me down and have kept on doing the right things.  Like, just a couple of hours ago, I went over and closed their umbrella and fixed their table (it had fallen over in heavy wind).  I noticed they were out of town this morning.  We were due big storms.  So, I fixed it.  Not to kiss ass, but because it was the right thing to do and I would hope that the same would be returned.  No idea if they would and I would say no.  But that doesn't mean that I don't.  I'm still going to do the right thing even if it is never returned.  What I'm talking about now though is completely different even if it is along the same basic lines.

It always all comes back to weight.  At least here lately it does.  Lately, I feel like every issue that comes up in some way has something to do with this.  I've not been counting calories.  I've not been doing 'formal' exercise although I've been really busy and active.  But I'm good.  I saw 172.5 on the scale the other night at the end of the night.  So, I'm pretty positive I'm lower than that.  But I won't get too excited, yet.  Anyways, any of you that are reading this and have survived this epic novel this far, know that this has been a LONG process for me.  And I'm good with how this is going.  It's been hard but simple.  I'm just staying busy and not eating all the time.  I'm getting there at my own pace.  So, when I hear people talk about diet and exercise, it can be a fun mutual topic, or a point of contention.  Lately, it's the latter.  I wish I was making this up, but I swear the topic has been all over.  I've ignored it for the most part and scrolled past it.  But DAD GUM.  Could people drop it?  One of the girls on my feed is all into Shakeology and doing P90X.  She loves it, which is awesome.  But she talks about it ALL THE TIME.  I've been blocking her notifications because of it.  Because truthfully, I think she looks awful.  But to each their own.  Anyways, she posed the question of whether it was selfish.  And some of the responses were... well... weird.  Especially where one lady equated exercise being un-Godly.  I basically said it wasn't selfish, but it can become a problem if it takes over your life and becomes more of a priority than anything else.  Then another girl posted about how she had 'failed' because she didn't work out every day.  Then yet another posted... and another.  It's flooded my feed lately.  Driving me bonkers!  I thought January was the month for this?

After typing up my thoughts on this, I realized that I had typed a novel!  So, I moved that to another post.  If you read it, read with caution as it is long and a bit of a rant!  ;)

1 comment:

  1. Ok, you are my friend, and I love you, so I'm going to say what I think, and then I'll shut the hell up about it, and respect whatever decision that you need to make. HUGS!
    I think it is absolutely a bad idea to move back to your home town. You are ready to move forwards, not backwards. You wrote "it's not what we want, it's not what feels right..." and then followed it up with "but it's the right thing to do." Honey, if it feels all wrong for both of you, and neither of you want it, then it isn't the right thing for your family to do. Sometimes something may seem like a "right thing" but it's a tricky area. Your parents made choices about their lives, and now they are playing out those choices. They are STILL making choices every day about what they eat and how they live. Do not let guilt dictate your future happiness. Your life with your husband and children is the priority. Perhaps you feel their health isn't great, but they could be around another twenty years. Is it what you want to move back there to live for twenty years if that is the case?
    I know you think that they are stuck in their ways, and won't move to you, so you feel you should go to them. DON'T. The price is too high. I worked with the elderly for many years, and have seen these situations play out in the families of others, and in my own family. I assure you, when they need more help, and you aren't available to drop everything and go there right away they WILL move closer to you. Trust me. When the time actually comes it will work out. Your parents aren't suffering from dementia or loopy in the head, and they'll come around. If things get tougher they will be far more open to moving near you. I think the distance actually helps to push issues like that. Plus, if you find your house in Panama City Beach, and get the kids in school, and hubs gets a job- they won't expect you to uproot your children and start all over again.

    When it feels all wrong it is all wrong. It's only natural for us to worry about our parents, but there are always more options than you think. If you offer to move there, then, yes, they won't move anyplace to be near you. They can keep being stuck in their ways. However, you can choose not to give them that option. When that idea is completely eliminated your parents will accept it, and adapt accordingly. They'll hire more help at home. Perhaps the cost will make them see that maybe selling their place, and finding a home near you is a good idea.
    You can't let your parents' lives and decisions dictate your life, and the lives of your family members. It isn't fair to anybody. You have young children, and are really getting going in the world. Your husband has a whole career ahead of him. Don't cut your own lives down. There won't be anything left but bitterness, grief, and regret.


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