Rough & Resigned.

Today has been a rough day.  But I can't dwell on that -- I need to move forward.  So, I will post about other things and only mention that today was extremely rough emotionally, physically, and psychologically.  However, I've pushed through and made it to the other side.  HOORAH!

Now, onto the important stuff.  I made my decision on my life plan and my decision is to stick this out for at least 2 more months.  I have enough product for that amount of time, so that's what I am going to do.  I made the decision, strangely enough, while shopping yesterday.  There I was, standing in front of the mirror looking at myself in some new (and much smaller) clothes and it hit me -- I was totally giving up on me!  But, WHY?  Well, the truth is that I think I was giving up out of fear.  Fear of never hitting my goals and being so disappointed.  So much so that I thought, why even bother???  I'm just going to fail and it's going to suck and I'm going to be upset with me.  How dumb is that???  Why on EARTH did such distructive thoughts and behaviors come into my mind?  I mean, look how far I've come already!  I started out at 226.5 and I am currently at 188.  It's nuts to think that I can't lose another 20 to 30lbs. if I want to.

After that realization, it hit me that this horrible eating over the last few days was flat out defiance -- to myself!  How insane is that?  I was literally stuffing myself with horrid food like a ticked off teenager!  But the moment it hit me what I was doing, my decision was made.  I DO want this and I CAN do this!  And just like that, I'm back in it to win it.  I know it isn't going to be easy and I'm going to have bad days (like this one!), but with a little faith and trust in myself, I can and will do this.  And damn it, I am SO worth it!  I just can't believe that what was really stopping me was an internal struggle with 'can I do it' and not that I was actually 100% happy with where I was at.  Oh, the mind games we play with ourselves and don't even realize at times!

So, I made it through today, believe it or not, without much effort -- even with all the drama going on.  I had 2 shakes, one protein water, a LC yogurt, a big salad, and wings.  I was probably low on cals, but tomorrow will be better.  I really should've had a shake instead of the water even if it IS high in protein because it's whey protein water and not like that Kelloggs water or whaetever.  I also got in my morning vitamins, two bottles of water, and a hot tea.  But geez, reading this makes it seem like I starved today!  But I really didn't.  The shakes are VERY filling.  And today, I decided to add cinnamon to my coffee shake and MAN was it GOOD!  So, all in all, a good day for food, a good realization, and a new day welcomed tomorrow.  Hope you all out there are doing great!