argh

I'm trying REALLY hard not to get frustrated today, but I'm feeling frustrated!  VERY!  Weight this AM was 195 and I don't know WHERE the hell that came from.  I know weight fluctuates, but as much as I was up and peeing last night, I should've been DOWN.  NOT UP!!!!!!!!!!  What the hell is going on?  I did go out for Mexican the night before last, but I ate on plan the whole day.  Then yesterday, I was in my cals all day and drank a ton of water to flush out the salt.  Which apparently hit me during the middle of the night because I felt like I was on the potty all night.  Then I get up to 1freakin95?  I feel like SCREAMING.  URGH.  I would say it's lack of sleep, but since doing low cal it's not made that huge of a difference.  I guess I need to get the ol' calendar out and check the dates.  I know I tend to gain when I ovulate.  Nothing drastic, just a pound or two.  So, this very well could be that.  But with my weigh-in coming in and knowing that if I don't stay on track for this week I will get behind, I'm worried.  Yes, this is long term and I'm trying not to freak, but I'm in a freak-out mood today.  I'm not sure why.  GAH.  I bet it IS hormones.

Ok, just checked out the calendar, and it very well could be that I'm about to ovulate.  That makes me feel much better than if it was just random.  I guess it's never really random.  I'm sure our bodies have their own reasons and we just don't understand.  And I'm trying not to get irritated by it.  But sometimes its just frustrating.  I think the reason I'm frustrated is I'm nervous.  I'm less than 10lbs. from the lowest I can actually remember as an adult (186) and I'm nervous about getting back to that.  So, going under 190 is freaking me out for some reason.  And it just hit me.  And I hate it.  I'm not typically the type to freak out over that kinda thing but I am.  I got to 190 back before the holidays and I don't remember freaking then.  So, why would I be freaking now???  I wonder if it is because my husband is dieting this time around?

I don't know why that would make a difference, and I am trying to be supportive of him.  Why on EARTH would that matter?  UGH.  I don't know if it's that I feel worried about it being a competition or what.  I'm excited and nervous all at once.  I want to see 18?, then 17?, then 16?, and then 15?.  But how do I get past this feeling of nervousness and dread?  I talked it over with the hubby some.  I just wish I knew what it stemmed from.  It's not like our marriage will fall apart or anything.  At least I don't think so.  I know that happens to some relationships, but we've been up and down together over the years.  So, what is there to be nervous about?  And even at 18?, I still will need to lose another 30lbs.  Yes, I most definitely must be hormonal.  Why else would I feel like this?

I guess I'm just going to keep on keeping on and this too shall pass.  Lots of water and more rest and hopefully I'll be more like my normal self.  I feel like since I started losing weight I've become somewhat more perky.  I've even noticed it in my blogs -- they are mostly positive (HA!  Until TODAY!), upbeat, and all about continuing on forward.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to keep going forward knowing that this is just a slump and will pass.  My hormones are driving me nuts and that's all there is to it.  I should've known... they've felt off for the last few months.  Hopefully it's just the time of year and it will get better.

Have a good one ladies!  I think I'm pretty well caught up on most of the blogs.  And if you're a new person and want me to check out your blog, please either post the link or the name.  Laters!