Gone.

I'm going to go ahead and warn everyone that this is either going to be one long post or a few posts. After all, it's been a long week and this is the first post I have done in that time.  I have just been too busy to do anything else.  But I guess it's time to get it all out there and start moving on. 

First and most importantly, we got the sad news on Monday evening that my BIL had passed.  We all took it hard.  It's just unreal.  We knew it could happen and most likely would, but honestly we had hoped for a miracle.  He was only 27 and cancer took him.  I honestly hate cancer.  :/  His wife is only 24 and the best SIL a gal could ask for and I can't begin to imagine how she is dealing with this.  All this week between the wake, family, and funeral, she has held up like the best of soldiers and it is amazing to me.  I just don't know if I could do it.  I don't.  Part of the sadness for me is that thought that it could be us.  I could be the one without a husband right now.  And that hurts so badly.  I hurt so much for her and wish I knew some way to help.  But I just told her to tell me what to do and hugged her a lot.  Her and her hubby had only been married 3yrs., but they have been together around 8.  And through all of his fight, she has stood strong by his side.  My hubby (her brother) and I have tried to be as supportive as we can and make life easier on her and them.  Because I will be honest and say that sadly, many in the family were not.  And frankly, it pissed me off!  But that is all over and done with now and nothing else can be said or done.  He's gone.

I will say that I was amazed at the community's support and love.  I've never thought too highly of where my husband spent the majority of his childhood, but they really showed what a wonderful and kind place it CAN be.  I think before all I ever saw was the negative side because of the way his family has always been.  But I really got to see the good over this last week.  All of these wonderful people really came out to show their love and respect for him and it was amazing!  He had been a school teacher, a member of the Rescue Squad, and overall just a big community person.  So, he had been well known and well liked.  Everyone went above and beyond what had been expected and that was wonderful for not only him, but for her, too.  I feel it showed an amazing amount of love, respect, community, support.... and any other positive word you could think of to describe it.  I think they have even retired his RS #.  His last call over the CB system was what really tore everyone up.  So many members, officers, etc. were there and that was what broke them.  When you see grown men crying over a fallen partner... well, it's hard.  My SIL was sad, but I believe she was also so proud of the way everyone honored her husband.  He really was a good man.  And she is a good woman. 

Needless to say, it has been an emotional week and I'm pretty wiped out.  I don't know how she has held up.  I worry that the crash will be today.  But I don't worry too much -- she has great support.  I just wish we were a bit closer so we could be more a part of that support.  I know we were here when she needed us most and that she knows we will do whatever is needed.  And I guess that is what is important.  Just making sure she knows that when she needs help, she can depend on us.  Because several people in the 'family' sure didn't make her feel that.  So, we had wanted to make sure she knew and never doubted it our support and love.  I just hope it was enough.  I hope her husband knew, too.  I really do pray that he is at peace and she will find peace.  I know at some point she will move on, but until then I hope that she can find and see the good.  I'm pretty sure she does, but I know there will still be hard times and grief... even if she is good at hiding it. 

But the thing is, I do sorta think this puts her at rest in many ways.  Fighting cancer can be ugly and long.  And in this case, I think that is part of why she was able to hold together so well.  At some point, death has got to be the easier hand than watching the person you love so much suffer from the pain of the disease.  That is what I told my husband.  She is probably holding up so well because after fighting this for 5yrs., death was probably easier than continuing to see him suffer and be in so much pain.  Because that is what it had been for the last few months... he had been suffering and in pain.  Now he is free of that.  And their faith is strong, so she has comfort in that, too.  But her life is going to be so different now.  She is now a widow and instead of running around from appointment to appointment and hoping and praying for a miracle, all of that is gone.  I wonder what she will do now?  I know she plans on going back to teach and maybe doing some traveling before the year starts again.  This is another time when I am thankful for her community.  I think she will hurt and grieve, but I think they will really surround her with love and support and she will be ok.  And of course she has us and some of the other family members.  I hope that she gets out and about and does things for herself now.  She is going to need to get back in touch with herself and find out who she is again after so much time devoted to her hubby and his illness.

Well, I guess that is all for this post.  I don't know what else to say other than if you could, please say a little prayer for her....