Crud

I feel like crud today.  I woke up feeling like someone had smashed my face all over... well, my face.  Not a good feeling.  :/  I ate, drank some coffee, took some meds, and I'm chugging water.  But I STILL feel like crud.  I hate it.  I feel like my 'oh so need to be productive' day is going to be crap because I feel so yuck.  :(  And I don't have time to feel like crap.  I had wanted to get a workout in today since I didn't get to it yesterday.  I got to cleaning and well, got on a ROLL!  I got a lot done and I had hoped to be pretty darn productive today, too.  I was so tired, I didn't make it to the store last night either -- hubby just ran and grabbed a few things.  And... it's freakin' snowing.  On March 25, our first 'official' day of Spring Break and it is SNOWING.  And driving me all kinds of bonkers.  We have stuff going on, things to do and places to go and it's freakin' SNOWING!  AARGH!!!

I can't put it ALL off, though.  I need to get a few things done and I will. I just really hope my head lets up and I can at least get in an easy workout.  That is my goal.  I've been staying busy, doing Pilates moves when I'm just standing around, etc., but I want that 'formal' workout today.  My weigh in is tomorrow.  I don't want to over-do it.  But I don't want to skip it either.  Even if I am sore!  UGH!  I just hope I have a decent weigh-in.  I am hoping for something.  I'd like at least 2lbs.  I've gone back over my food, and I only had 3 high days.  And out of those 3, only ONE was high without exercise!  So... I'm hopeful... I'm nervous... I'm... anxious per the usual. But, what will be will be.  I can only do my best and keep moving forward either way.  I'm probably due a stall.  I hope I don't have one, but I'm sure I'm due one.  *sigh*  I almost wish it was over with just so I would know!  I don't really feel like I've lost anything this time.  But I don't know if I WILL feel it every time if that makes sense.

I wanted to say, too, that my body still doesn't feel right to me.  I randomly walk past a mirror and see myself and it's still unreal that I've lost nearly 50lbs.  Even though it's been slow, ya know?  I saw myself the other night at the restaurant and was sorta shocked... I mean, I thought wow... I look good!  But my body still feels heavy.  It's weird.  I wonder if it will ever really set in.  I'm starting to think no and that this is the baggage I will carry.  We all have some kind, so I guess this is to be mine.  Hmmm... I guess I don't feel too bad about it.  Maybe it's what helps me to empathize with others.  I don't know.  But it's still weird to feel big, see myself and be like, whoa...  LOL  Especially when I don't realize its me like I did when I was at the Goodwill the other day and saw myself in a mirror and didn't even realize that it was my own reflection when I thought to myself, "That girl looks cute!"  And it was ME!  HA!  I cracked myself up over that and my hubby got a good laugh, too, when I told him.  He said I was looking great and he didn't know how I couldn't feel it.  I just can't.  Weird, but true.

Today's Food:

1 blueberry bagel -- 260
1tbsp. creamy pb -- 95
drizzle of honey -- 15
Coffee -- 0
Breakfast Total:  370

My day went from bad to worse.  A person I considered a friend really hurt me tonight and I'm so hurt, I'm viciously angry.  I'm angry to the 100th power.  Seriously.  ANGRY.  And I'm not the sort to just get mad and upset over nothing.  I may get annoyed but I talk it out and move on.  This, well, this is eating at me and I feel like beating her face to a pulp.  And not like cheapo Hamilton Beach blender pulp, but like Vitamix pulp.  Basically, a person I thought that was my friend tried to be an utter and complete cruel bitch to me on Facebook.  Of all places.  What's worse is I was on.  And did I mention we've been friends for over 6 FUCKIN YEARS?  Yes.  Over 6.  Soon to be 7.  And over what?  I mean, I must've done something truly HEINOUS to warrant her attempting to call me out on FB, yes?  What did I do?  I forgot she 'gave' me a bag of plastic balls a year or so ago and I posted them for sell.  For $7.  And yeah, I was online and she could clearly see I was online.  And instead of just pinging me real quick and saying something like, "Hey, are those the balls I gave to you?"  She posts a nasty status about how she 'gave' a friend something to 'help her out' and how she will never do that again.  EXCUSE ME?  First, I'm not at all positive she 'gave' them to me.  I'm pretty darn sure she SOLD them to me.  Either way, once you GIVE something or SELL something, it is mine, correct?  NOT YOURS?  I mean, you GAVE or SOLD it so it is no longer YOURS.  Right?  Right?  Or am I imagining that?  Next, you didn't 'help me out'.  The way she said it and the way she phrased it was so martyr like that I feel like being all kinds of a ruthless bitch about it.  I mean, let's get real... just because your IN LAWS are rich doesn't mean YOU are.  Next, whoever said I was poor?  I'm not poor and in any need of any of your charity!  I live thrifty because I ENJOY it you fucking SNOB!  I LIKE having nice things but getting a killer deal!  And it isn't as if I ever ASKED for any kind of handout -- I have ALWAYS offered to pay for anything she has given me.  PLUS, I've either passed on the stuff she gave me for free to others or I gave away other things of mine.  So just because you THINK you 'gave' me something a year or two ago and I happened to post it for sell ofr $7 to get the clutter out of my house does NOT mean you have the right to come back and claim it then!!!  You can ASK me what I'm doing, but they are no longer YOURS and if you plan on being a bitch about things, then don't give away your stuff!  I am so livid, I could scream!!!!!!!!!!  Did I mention I thought she was a FRIEND???  Did I mention that I gave her an expensive chair that was used but expensive none-the-less?  That I GAVE her brand new birthday stuff and never thought another thing about it?  That I have watched her kid for her for FREE?  That my hubby fixed her pute for FREE and she is having a meltdown over plastic ball pit balls????  It's stupid.  It's bullshit.  I am so hurt, I feel like a grizzly has punched me in the chest!  Is that what she thinks of me?  Does she THINK that I just TAKE stuff that is given to me for FREE and sell them to make MONEY?  Does she have SO little respect for me and my feelings that she feels it is OK to just post such a hurtful thing on FB when she KNEW I was on instead of just talking to me?  She intended to be cruel!  I thought friends gave and took between each other to include real items like furniture and toys and words and time.  I thought real friends TALKED instead of blaming.  I thought real friends just... cared.  Why not take 2 seconds to ask me???  She didn't care that I had balls already... she didn't care that I had kept some for a while and already gave some away (I think).  She doesn't remember that I paid for them or at least OFFERED to pay for them.  She gave me no benefit.  None.  And she owes me an apology.  But we will never be friends the same.  Because if she knows me so little after so many years, then obviously we were never really friends to begin with.  Obviously, I was wrong about who she was and who I was to her.  Obviously, I missed something somewhere.

Back to food...

1 Sabatasso's pizza (pepperoni) -- 300
6oz. strawberries -- 54
Lunch Total:  354

1 serving quick dumpling pie -- 480

1 cosmic brownie -- 280

Today's total:   1484