Trying

I've been trying to get to writing a blog now for the last week, and it just hasn't been happening.  Normally when I write the words just flow and it helps me to sort out my thoughts and get things clear.  But this week... ugh.  No go.  I'm in rutville.  Yup.  RUTVILLE.  It's been an emotional up and down the last few weeks and as a result, I feel like my brain is stuck in neutral from forcing the neutral.  I shifted there but haven't shifted out.  But I've been trying.  I've been trying to force myself to get up and get dressed and do a few things a day even if I'm not at full steam.  I know it will kick into gear eventually.  I know what this is and that eventually I'll get back there if I just keep shuffling. 

So.  What has been going on you ask?  Well, I'm sure everyone understands the craziness of the holidays.  Crazy is an understatement.  But it was also good.  Very good.  Christmas day was great and we stayed in PJ's all day and just relaxed after the hoopla of opening gifts.  Then we had some ham and other foods and just chilled.  Nothing big, nothing fancy.  Just us and the fam and relaxing to include naps.  Heaven!  But I was worn to a nub.  Literally.  I was so worn out I fell asleep in a hard wooden chair and slept for like, 2hrs.  It took days for me to feel normal.  I really let the house go for a few days.  Then I got to it and buckled down.  But that's when it happened.  My Mom called at around 1AM and said my Dad had to be rushed to the hospital and I should come... NOW.

So, I did.  I packed a small emergency bag with a few snacks, essentials like my brush, toothbrush, 1 change of clothing, deo and my phone charger and hit the road.  When I got there, my Dad was stable, but the news wasn't good.  He was in an induced coma and intubated with a ton of fluid around his heart and in his lungs.  They weren't sure what caused it, but they knew that he had CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and this fluid build up is typical for that.  However, he takes meds for it but this was beyond that.  We have our own theories on it, but even that wouldn't explain this.  Our theory is that with the holiday, he got his pills mixed up or completely forgot them and that contributed to it.  He stayed like that for a few days and then had a really bad day and the docs told us to prepare for the worst because he just wasn't improving.  Which blew our minds because in our understanding, he had made teeny tiny improvements until the one bad day.  And in his body's defense, they had tried to wake him up which made him go sorta nuts.  He doesn't take sedation well... so he fought and got himself all torn up.  Literally yanking at wires and trying to get out of bed and pulling out IV's.  So, they put him back under.  But later that night, his body started responding and doing better and better.  I honestly feel it is because I asked God to spare him if he could, and if he couldn't I understood but either way I was handing it over to Him.  I know many of you aren't religious.  But it happened within a short time.  And our relief was immense. 

His recovery over the last couple of weeks has been slow.  Once again when they pulled the sedation, he went sorta crazy and fought.  He was very groggy and unhappy but once he came up, he was up.  But it killed me that once he recognized me (it didn't at first) he said I was his 'baby girl'.  And then asked if he was going to die.  I said no -- you've just been sick but you are getting better now.  He asked if it was his heart and I said no -- because it really wasn't.  You see, they tested for pneumonia but it was negative.  More than once.  But all of his symptoms such as a fever, mucus and fluid in the lungs, etc. were of pneumonia.  Since he's been out, I've seen at least two or three other cases of this.  Symptoms like it but not it... and they were all in heart patients who all had to be on vents like Dad.  It's crazy and scary.  Especially when nothing else can be done.  He may have missed pills or switched them, it could've been holiday indulgence, but whatever virus this was was a HUGE culprit.  I'm just so happy he is now recovering.  He had to go to the rehab center at the nursing home, but he is home now.  He gets tired fast, but he is just happy to be alive.  They also mentioned doing the LVAD (Left Ventricular Assistance Device) procedure and I hope he will consider.  I think it would really improve his life.  But that is for another time.

During all of this time, I stayed with my Mom.  I didn't want her to be alone.  I stayed the entire 7 days he was in CVICU (Cardio Vascular ICU).  I had to go home the day before he got moved to a room.  I was lucky in that the hubby was on his 7 day rotation and off.  I literally slept on a couch rotating out my clothes until I broke down and bought some at Kohl's.  I had been washing, but still felt so weird wearing the same clothes over and over.  But I made sure Mom ate, rested, walked, and laughed.  I tried to make sure she was ok.  But it put a lot of stress in my head and in my 30's, sleeping on a couch for days is not good for the body.  LOL  Especially not her couch.  It's not that old, but they are so hard on furniture!!!  I got home and felt a million years old and felt like a zombie.  That's why I'm in a rut.  I'm working out of it, but I'm there.  But I tell you, seeing what I saw just furthers in my mind that getting into a better place, especially healthwise, is a good plan.  I think that hit my Mom while we were there.  I hope she takes it seriously.

I'm still going to plod along doing my best.  It's all I can do.  No point in killing myself trying to do too much or making myself miserable.  I don't handle stress well and stress isn't good for the body or brain.  But I do want to keep moving forward on progress.  Weight wise, budget wise, etc.  I do jump ahead (like tonight looking at houses in FL!) but at the same time I know what needs to be done and I'm doing it.  Like I really reviewed the budget tonight and I really think we can make some great headway going forward.  But I'll save that for another day.  For now, I think this post is long enough and I'll write more later on what my plans are and what is going on with the weightloss front and exercise.  For tonight... I'm going to relax and do some Minecraft!  Or more on the bills.  LOL  Whichever relaxes me more.