When are you weak? Like you just can't be strong anymore? Most of the time, I feel like a pretty confident and self supporting person. I am talkative, sometimes too honest and open, and sometimes too loud or drone on. But for the most part, I'm a pretty on keel person. I know I may drive some people nuts, but overall, I'm happy with who I am and knowing I can't please everyone. It's just the nature of the beast.
So, what makes me weak? What kicks the knees right out from under me? Friends and family. Yup. Either of those two can make me feel like crying at the WORST time. That time usually being when I am tired, stressed, or feeling vulnerable due to changes. Cause in case any of you didn't know this -- I don't handle change or the fear of change well. I worry. I ramble. I go on and on thinking about what COULD happen before it's even happened. When it may NOT happen. It's just how I am and honestly, it's how my Mom is. Family trait, I guess. My Dad is a bit like this, but not as much. Double whammy. So anyways, today I am feeling somewhat vulnerable because it's a holiday. And not just any holiday, but Easter. Why is Easter important to me? It just is. It's an important religious holiday and like I've said before, I feel weird not having a church or a church family like I've always had. Throw in hubby working today on top of my worries about our future and... I've been sorta emotionally drained lately. We already had worries of just getting some big projects knocked out that we couldn't last year due to hubby's school/work schedule and weather. So it just feels like I'm at the very bottom of a large heap. Dramatic, I know! HA!
Anyways, on top of that, I have a feeling that a 'friend' of mine is upset with me and purposely trying to get my goat. Hubby made a comment about his work getting on his nerves. She made a comment about a new job. Me thinking, SHIT! Don't want anyone from his job to see that and be all :O, I said that just because he has found them, doesn't mean we will take them. Just waiting to see where it all goes. She got all snippy and wrote back that it was HIS page... she thought. Umm... HELLO? I'm his WIFE and I can comment if I WANT. So, nicely, I said that yeah, but I was the other half of the equation. This convo went on and I tried to be nice, but it was like she was TRYING to be snarky. In come other friend unknown to first 'friend' and she writes me and is like, 'WTF is wrong with this woman?' I was like, I don't know. I think she is upset but I have no clue about what. We've had a couple of disagreements. One on sports that I said I would just let go because it just wasn't big enough of a deal for me to ruin a friendship over, and another was the one over my diet. She disagrees with me on my moderate eating. I disagreed with her approach and even said if she didn't believe me, she was welcome to go on MFP and check out the HUNDREDS of success stories on there. But... she seemed annoyed that I would disagree. So, I just said you do you and I'll do my thing and go on. Because... that's what I've been doing. I don't care how she eats or what she does for her own personal health and well being. If it is what she wants, that's great and I hope it makes her happy and feel good. But why can't she be the same for me? Why is it always that what I'm doing is WRONG? Why is it too much to expect the same type of support back that I give? I don't get it. I just don't.
So... I'm currently feeling pretty weak and sad. Weak because I'm upset. Sad because I don't get why. I don't get why my friendships seem to constantly fall apart since I came here. I don't get it. I have friends from high school I still talk to. Friends from all 8+yrs. of Navy life. But I can't seem to hold on to any since we've moved here? W.T.F.? I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I have blogger buds on here who have completely different lifestyles than me and we somehow manage to get on just fine. I have friends with completely different religious and political beliefs and it's fine. Why can't I get on with anyone from here? I. DO. NOT. GET. IT. I shouldn't say anyone. I do have one or two friends here. But it's nothing close. Nothing lasting. It's like, I'll move and it will fall to the side and go on. I didn't think this friendship would be like this. But... I guess I thought wrong. It just makes me upset.
The worst thing is, I don't even know why she is really upset other than we feel differently on a few issues. She hasn't said and... well, she just seems distant and hostile and only seems to 'attack' when online. And well... that just isn't me. I will say what I believe but I won't fight like that with someone who is suppose to be a friend. And I won't say ugly things just to get a rise. I state the facts and if they want to be ugly, I state them again and move on.
UGH. Today has not been a good day and I am ready to go to bed. I just feel.... defeated. I realize this isn't the end of the world. I just feel stomped on. Bruised. Blech.