Yes, it's nearly 2AM and I am up and blogging because I can't sleep, yet. I think it's because I had a latte at like, 8pm. But I was craving coffee so bad... I know, lame. I didn't have any decaf that I was aware of and I was dragging a bit. So... I had a caffeine kick. That apparently wasn't a good idea! It hasn't died down! So, might as well be on here. I mean, why not?
I'm starting to wonder if it is even worth it to blog anymore. I don't have many readers and I don't get many comments and I'm not sure if I feel like I'm accomplishing anything with it. I wanted to try to hook up with other bloggers, but the truth is, I feel like I'm boring. I guess I am severely missing the days of 3FC when we were all trying to reach a certain goal and it felt like we were all in it together. However, life isn't only about weight loss and so, I couldn't keep my blog to that. When the site goofed up, I took it as a sign of needing to move on. I moved the blog, but lost the support I was craving. The companionship. There's something really nice about knowing that other people are out there doing their thing just like you. I have considered taking it to MFP, but I don't know that I would like that much. Because again, I'm attempting to get to a healthier weight and lifestyle, but it's not my whole life. It's not my main focus. I like talking about working on my house and yard and what is going on with my fam, too. I just wonder if there would be more of an audience there.
Speaking of audience, I had a pretty good little meltdown the other day. I didn't write about it much on here, but boy did I melt down like cheap American cheese. I was like a gooey puddle. Not pretty. I've just had it with shitty people. Really. I think I would rather be alone that deal with that garbage so I am trying to decide how to deal with it. What is that garbage you ask? People. People who treat me like I'm garbage. Like I'm disposable because I don't fit what they demand I fit. And when I don't, suddenly I'm not worth knowing or keeping around. It really seems as if this is the trend of my life lately. To be honest, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Mostly because I can't figure out why I am attracting these types of people.
I guess this isn't terribly new. I've lost past relationships and I've ended past relationships. But I'm not really sure why a few of them ended. The one last night was with a 'friend' I had known for several years through blogging. I disagreed with her on a topic and she just up and unfriended me AND blocked me. No words, just gone. After several years! It's not as if I go searching and comment on a lot of controversial topics. This was one random topic I was so baffled by I just couldn't believe it. Truth is, the more I think on it the more I am convinced of my feelings on it. Either way, I couldn't believe her reaction. But this is TWO TIMES in the last few months. The other time being another 'friend' my neighbor. Dropped me simply because I disagreed with her over 'clean' eating. I think it's garbage and she thinks it's the end all be all. I said that's fine -- do what works for you and I'll do what works for me. And BAM. Done. Why is that? Why is it ok for others to feel like their opinions are so great, but I'm not allowed mine? Even if I am respectful of their feelings and thoughts? What is it about me that makes people go hmmm... I think I'll just stop talking to this person because we are just too different.
I've thought it over and over and I don't get it. I was upset with friend/neighbor but got over it realizing that being upset was silly and solved nothing. But last night, there was nothing. Just done and goodbye. Is it me or were these people never really my friends to begin with? I'm trying to 'Shake off' the negative feelings, but I tell you, it's hard. Especially when for years I was such a social person and I feel like I have become somewhat of a hermit. I find myself seeing people and wanting to say hi and be friendly but then at the last minute, I hold back. I know it's fear -- fear of being crumbled up and thrown away again as if my own being is just not enough. As if my lack of wanting what they want somehow makes me less of a person. When the truth is, it doesn't. Each person has their own goals and wants but for whatever reason, mine is not 'worth' keeping or valuing.
Maybe I am too simple in some regards and too complicated in others. Or maybe I'm just too simple. I don't want a rock star or model body; I just want to be healthier after years of illness and being overweight. I don't want tons and tons of money; just for hubby to have a job that pays what it should for his hard work and time, makes him feel good and accomplished, and that allows all of us to be together and be happy. I don't want a humongous house; just a slightly bigger house where we have room for company like family visits without being smushed. I don't want perfection; just happiness. Maybe that simplicity upsets people because I just don't want to be where they are. I'm sorry -- I just don't. My mind isn't tied up in going to college for no reason. I'm not tied up in wanting to have a career. I'm not tied up in wanting some made up perfect body. I'm not tied up in keeping up with the Jones', as they say. None of it is me. I just want to have my family, a decent house, health, laughter, friends, fun and not to struggle financially. So, what am I doing wrong? Why is what I want WRONG? Why are my opinions WRONG? Why is it that I have to accept everyone else and be ok with it (even if I disagree) but people can't just let me live my own life with my own thoughts? Maybe they're letting me by walking away. I don't know. All I know is that it is lonely. And hard. It's hard to disagree with someone and yet say, "Well, I guess we will just have to agree to disagree." And walk away. But I do because I respect them.
Is that what it boils down to? Do I allow people to treat me with disrespect? I have no idea. I know that it is natural to me to want to help people so when they go through things, I want to help them. I don't feel obligated and I don't do it for any kind of control or power rush. I genuinely like to help people and do good deeds. But it always snaps me in the ass.
I really don't know what else to say. I don't really expect a response to this. I guess I'm just 'typing out loud'. I keep hoping I will think it over or talk it over and some sort of answer will come to me, but as of now, that isn't going to happen. I really just don't get it.