Simplifying

It's been a rather boring day.  We did much of nothing but sit around all day.  You see, my oldest is sick.  Struck a random fever yesterday of 103 out of the blue.  It came and went.  Today, no high fever but it has hovered around 100 all day.  My original plan was to send on to school since all day, there was not any real signs and 'fine'.  My new plan is oldest will be staying home tomorrow.  There's been coughing and coughing and it took forever to go to sleep.  When I went in to give a dose of meds, there was sweaty hair and sheets... which usually means a low grade fever.  So, home is where oldest will be tomorrow.  YUP.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of feeling like garbage.  They get 20 days of school they can miss, but I hate that a day is being used in the first month of school.  We still have to get through 9.  Although they are out almost a month for holidays.  But at this point, I don't want to take the chance. 

I've had a lot of free time today and a lot of time to think.  Also time to talk to other friends and family members.  And I think what Didi commented on some of my other posts is true.  I think I AM frustrated and maybe that is oozing out.  I think that months ago, when dealing with opposing views I could easily see valid points in people's arguments and easily could find a way to deal with it without coming across harsh.  But I think my current BS meter or my tolerance meter or SOMETHING is broken.  I think that maybe, just maybe, I'm cracking a bit and well... considering what all has been going on lately, I think I have every reason to feel a bit overwhelmed.  The funny thing is, as upset as I was the other night over my 'friends', I am now equally relieved.  Go ahead and ask me why?  Come on!  ASK ME. 

Ok.  I'll tell you.  I am relieved because after talking to my real friends and family today, I've realized that I am better off without these people in my life.  I am better off without their lack of trust and faith in me.  I am better off having them walk away so that eventually, I don't have to be the one to cut them.  Because that is what would happen.  Eventually, maybe way down the road, I would realize that these people care not one whit for me.  Not really.  They just don't.  Because as a real friend of mine reminded me today, real friends see when you are hurting.  They see when you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.  And instead of attacking you or cutting you out, they instead cut you some slack.  They understand that when you've dug in like a bulldog, it's because there are other issues that feel so out of control that you are digging in with something because you can.  Or that you are despondent, because there are so many emotions, you don't know which one to deal with first.  So, in the end, even though I am regretful of how these friendships ended, I no longer regret that they are over.  It was time to move on. 

With that said, I want to say I realize that not everyone can get me all the time.  I realize I have acquaintances that won't realize when things are off.  But those aren't the folks who seem to get offended typically.  Although, the one 'friend' was actually an acquaintance.  And the friend that I lost... well... I guess we just weren't as close as I originally had thought we were.  And that is ok.  It's really ok.  And I'm glad to be moving on.  I feel at peace with it.

Along with feeling at peace, I've realized that right now, I have to put my emotional state first.  I started that by cutting back on FB the last couple of days.  I'm checking it whenever I want to like in the AM or in the evening, but I'm checking it and getting off.  I decided today that I needed to do more.  So, I quit the two pages I was admin on.  I messaged them and told them that I just couldn't do it anymore and was choosing to stay as a member, but no longer as an Admin.  I just couldn't do anymore.  It's too much drama.  Another thing is I have started going through my 'Friends' list and have started deleting and weeding people out.  I had around 250 people at one point.  I know that isn't 'a lot' but I promise you, the vast majority of those people are just people I know.  Not real friends.  When I signed out tonight, I was down to around 215.  I am thinking that before long, I will get it below 200 and keep working my way down.  Most of these people I knew growing up but I haven't seen in years.  Many I never even talk to on there.  I want to keep the people I want to keep, but it's time to weed out the ones who don't mean anything.  Ones that I added just because I passed them in the hallways at school.  Or because we had reunion, or because I sold them something or bought something from them at some point.  It's just time to go.  I only want to keep the ones I really want to keep in touch with. 

I guess my point is, I'm trying to let things go and find some peace.  I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I need to keep moving forward and not allow myself to drown in negativity.  And I was heading there quickly.  I'm going to work on it.  That is all I can do.