Saturday, March 7, 2015

Failure to Launch

Have you ever seen that movie?  It's all about this guy with all of this potential, but he just hasn't... flown from the nest.  He's sat back and just continued to live/act like he's never grown up.  Never committed.  Never followed through.  And he's quite proud of it!

In a way, I feel like that right now.  I've failed to move.  I know what potential I have, but I haven't done it.  My point is my weight.  I've made very little progress on the diet front.  I'm not working out.  Both are things I am aware of, but I'm acting/living the complete opposite.  I'm not sure what is up with me.  Am I rebelling?  Lazy?  What?  I somehow managed to lose like, 45lbs. and keep it off (50 at one point).  But now I can't seem to find that drive to get lower.  I KNOW I would feel better and look better if I got in the 150's.  Heck, even the 160's!  But I'm not making progress and it's not a soul's fault but my own.  It's like I just can't be bothered right now.  I think every night, "I'll make better choices tomorrow."  Tomorrow comes and it's like I don't remember until the day is over.  W.T.F?

I am wondering if I am more depressed than I even realize.  To be honest, it feels that way when I am so frustrated with so many things and can't seem to find any motivation OR when I am doing so much.  Right now, it's a weird mixture of both.  One minute we are busting hump and knocking things out, the next we are stagnant.  I know this is how it goes and has been our mode for the last 8+yrs.  I am so sick of this rotating schedule.  SICK. OF. IT.  It has it's benefits for sure.  But at this point, I am severely over it.  It's like, we keep going in this circle and when we are going up the side, it's this slow, boring, upwards crawl to just get through.  I know that is life -- ups and downs.  I think we are just ready for a change.  Of course, then I worry that the change won't be worth it or won't work out.  I'm in a rut.  I feel... confined and restricted and have no clue what to do.  My frustration and fear is overwhelming.

Amidst the jumble of my emotions, I've been trying to hand it to God and just keep doing things.  One of the big projects we have knocked out is that we FINALLY got our master bedroom done.  Other than the doors to be painted (and their trim), it is DONE.  Ceilings, walls, trim, windows, etc.... ALL DONE.  I'm super happy!  Our week off was hectic with trips out of town and parties and all of that, but we still managed to get it done.  I plan on re-doing the ceiling in our closet and finishing that trim, and then some stuff in the bathroom, too.  I already painted the ceiling in the bathroom this time, too, where I re-did that area and put a coat of paint on the trim.  I want to touch up the blue and maybe one more coat on the white.  I want to try to do that and the closet next.  And work in the hallway.  First, I need to get the rest of the cabinetry stuff done.  I want to get that done because it takes sooooooo darn long.  I guess we will see how it goes.  Once the upstairs is done, I want to list the house.  We are going to list and put a note that the downstairs is being finished.  Then there will also be a restriction or contingency that we need to stay until the end of the school year. 

I guess this is all for this time.  More later.

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