Something Real

I feel the need to post something real right now because I was back on the ol' 3FC site and saw one of the blogs I use to follow up and running again and I felt the need to check up on her.  So many of my favorite blogs have dropped off of the face of the planet that I had sorta not been back to see if any were there.  I was stunned to read her blog.  Her entire world has changed in just 6 short months, and it makes me worry so much.  Now before I go further, please know that I feel for her, I do, but right now I feel selfish and her blog made me cry and sad and somewhat angry.  I feel all of those emotions for her... and for myself.

My Mom and Dad are heavy and have been for many years.  My Dad suffers from tons of heart issues.  Both scare me to death with their lack of taking care of themselves.  And honestly, there are many MANY times I feel angry at them for this.  I feel like, if they can't do it for any vain reason, why can't they do it to be healthy?  Do be here for me?  My family?  My children?  But in the end, I know that they won't no matter how much I beg.  Especially my Mom.  I love her to bits, but she just won't even try.  She says food and TV is really her only joy in life now that she is retired and so she isn't going to change.  And that's devastating to me.  What will happen when she is gone?  The sad truth is, what struck me so hard about my fellow bloggers words wasn't that her Mom had passed or that her husband was sick, it was how when her Mother passed the entire community came to be with them.  She said as she knew her Mom expected, her siblings stood together and held each other together.  And that's what hurts me.  If my Mom goes, there will be no one to stand there with me other than my own little family.  My brother and I are not close, and that is just... I can't explain why this is so hurtful to me.  He has shut me out and every turn and I'm not even really sure why.  We have no relationship, no bond, nothing.  I know he loves me because he has to, but other than the love he should have for a relative, there is nothing.  And fucking hell, that hurts.

So, I'm sitting here now all weepy and sad and hurting.  I worry about my Mom's health because she refuses to eat better, get exercise, and lose weight.  I worry that something major will happen and she will have no choices left.  I worry that my Dad is going to get worse even though he has made 'some' changes like quitting smoking.  I worry that in the end, they have made their own misery no matter what they say they want right at the moment.

And then on top of that, I worry endlessly about being like them.  They were great parents -- I don't want anyone to doubt that.  Other than their health, they were great parents who loved us endlessly and always supported us.  But I worry tirelessly about waking up fat and lazy one day.  I don't even really recognize my Mom anymore.  She has gotten to where she doesn't do much of anything but lay on the couch and watch TV.  She HAS been sick lately so I somewhat understand, but she was going down that path well before she got sick.  I do NOT want to wake up one day and be in my 60's and not being able to be active, feel good, and do all the things that I hope to be doing at that age.  It terrifies me and it is why I know for a fact that this is NOT just a vanity diet for me.  This is about changing my whole life and my perspective on food.  It's why one day off isn't the end for me or even one 'lost' week even if I bemoan it a little.  This is about making a different life choice for myself and making every effort to live and be happy.  I just wish that my parents would fight a little harder to stick around and be healthier.  As it stands, they can't even really play with my kids.... and it breaks my heart.

I think I am done.  I don't know what else to say as this is the running dialogue in my head most days and how I can go from day to week to month to year.  I know that I have to keep going on and even if I don't lose a ton of weight at once, I'm losing slowly, steadily, living life, loving my family, and still enjoying it all.  I'm not going up, not giving up, and making more good choices than bad my priority.  I love my Mom and Dad and the thought of losing them to obesity is terrifying.  I don't want my kids to ever feel that way.  I don't want my grandbabies (and I hope there will be grandbabies!) ever wanting me to play and I can't because I am overweight.  I want to be active, happy, and as full of life as I can be until the Lord says it is my time to leave this Earth.  I just wish they wanted it, too.  I wish it could've been different before now.  I just don't know how.  I don't know what could've turned that point or when it could've happened.  But I do understand the other blogger being angry and saying, 'Why can't you fight harder for me?'  Because that is how I feel.  I feel like they've just not fought hard enough for not just me, but all their grandbabies.  I hope they really do try more.  They say they are going to.  I pray that something clicks and they try harder and feel better and we get just a bit more time.