Friday, March 8, 2013

Not an Athlete

So, after reading through several of the blogs this morning, it is apparent to me that I am not an athlete, and I never will be.  And you know what, I'm ok with that.

As I've written before, I am often plagued with the question of whether or not I'm doing enough.  Sometimes from myself, sometimes from others, and sometimes I just read it on other blogs.  Either way, my brain starts to react and I start to wonder, am I working hard enough?  Am I doing enough?  Well, maybe if I worked out more and really 'trained' I'd do better.  And then it inevitably hits me (and rather quickly I might add) that no way.  No how.  I do NOT want to workout that way.  That just isn't me.  But once in a while, it still hits me and I ponder it and I get a bit resentful.  But only when I feel like I'm being 'attacked'.  And it happens.  I've heard more than once on this journey that I'm not doing it right, I'm not working out hard enough, long enough, or I'm not restricting enough.  And I call bull hockey.  I just don't feel you need to KILL yourself to get to a healthy weight and to be healthy.  My point is, my Granny lived to be 99 and she was healthy as you can be.  And she didn't work out.  But she ate well, did things she loved, and stayed active.  She was always at a healthy weight.  And that's what I want to be.

I'm not begrudging anyone who wants to be an athlete or live the life of an athlete.  But its not for me.  Not only do I not want to do it, it just won't fit my lifestyle.  Not to say I don't have a few athletic tendencies (I played fast pitch softball for oh, 8yrs.), but I don't want to work out for hours a day, I don't want to run.  I just want to be the best possible me living my regular life.

I'm getting to my original thought -- I promise!

What I'm getting at is that while I don't begrudge people who want to do that and  I am happy with where I'm going, I DO sometimes question it when I read about it or whatever.  What do I question?  Will I get there?  Am I being too lenient?  I don't feel that I am, but when it comes to people questioning what I'm doing or the harsh things I sometimes read on other blogs, it makes me wonder.  And I won't lie -- sometimes it makes me flat out ANGRY.  Angry because I don't judge them on what they do.  I may wonder at times what drives them to this idea of how they do it, but I don't say it to them most of the time because we all have our own journey's.  But it irritates me to no end when I see posts about how people who aren't killing themselves to be thin by doing 2hr. workouts and sweating themselves to death or those who eat more than 1200 calories 'are deluding themselves thinking they will lose weight'.  You know, how about you just do your thing and you let me do mine?  You know, this has worked for me so far.  Not only have I LOST 45lbs., but I'm managing to keep it off and keep going!  It's just frustrating.  And irritating.  And at times, disheartening.  I just don't feel I need to burn a crazy amount of calories per day by working out until I'm drenched with sweat, I don't feel like I need to eat nothing but fruits and veggies, and I don't feel like I have to lose all the weight I gained in just a couple of months.  I'm just doing this nice and slow and letting it BE.  I'm letting all the changes become a part of me and who I am.  I'm committing to memory how this is and feels and choosing not to get into this pattern of killing it for a month or so and then 'falling off'.  There is no falling off.  There just IS.

But like I said, with going this less pressing route, there are times that I worry I won't have a good weigh-in.  Because there are times I don't.  And like the last time I had a weigh-in coming up, I somewhat worry that what if THIS time, nothing comes off?  What if I step on there and nothing has changed and I get upset?  Yes, Didi, I know.  You'll say I should wait until I am in a better frame of mind.  The truth is, I don't know what I will be.  LOL  So, I try to take it like a big girl and just do it.  It's just part of it.  Luckily, I don't have another scheduled weigh-in until the 15th so I can stop stressing for a bit.  BUT, I should be getting my cycle right before hand.  YUCK.  I'll still weigh.  I'll weigh-in again at the end of the month.  It's just all a part of it.  But that doesn't mean I don't worry about what I will feel if I see a huge gain or no loss.  But it happens and I'll keep going.  I have to.  Can't give up NOW.  That would just be dumb.  LOL

On that note, I updated my weigh-ins page and I need to do measurements.  I haven't done those in quite a while..

Today's Food:

3 slices of bacon -- 120
2 slices of toast -- 120
1tbsp. of butter blend -- 50
drizzle of honey -- 30
6.5oz nectarine -- 81
coffee -- 0
Breakfast Total: 401
I'm good with that.

1.5 honeybuns --  345
coffee -- 0
Snack total: 345
I didn't mean to eat this much.  I only got out one, but the kiddo wanted one and didn't finish it and I just couldn't throw it out.  *sigh*

2c spinach --15
almost 1/3c mixed shredded cheese -- 110
1 can chicken -- 120
5.5oz tomatoes -- 28
2tbsp. honey mustard with bacon -- 110
water -- 0
Lunch Total:   383

Crust of PB sandwich -- 100
6.5oz berilla pasta with sauce --200
1tsp. parm cheese -- 13
Dinner Total:  313
I'm totally guessing here.  I ate leftovers.  My kiddos leftovers and some pasta.  Only bad thing?  I ran out of cheese.  AARGH.  I hope I have some hidden in a pantry.  Love me some grated parm cheese!  I love the real stuff, too, but yeah... the fake powdery stuff is nom.  LOL

So far, I'm at 1442.  That leaves room for something, but what I am not sure.  My feelings for food have been all over the place today and I'm just not sure why.  Maybe because I've been busy?  Maybe because I am in a "I don't want to waste it mood".  I'm just not sure.  Either way... yeah.  I am even feeling it now.  I have some yogurt that needs to be eaten and I am thinking, meh.  Might as well eat that and not waste it.  LOL  I had even thought of doing some cooking/freezing/baking.  But now I am getting tired.  Not sure WHAT I want to do.  I feel off kilter.

cinnamon apple bar -- 120
hot tea -- 0
Dessert Total -- 120

Today's Total:  1562

I'm good with that.


  1. Here is the thing: You need to honor YOUR body and have YOUR journey! You do YOU! Don't worry about anyone else. Your path is different. You are special and worthy of a plan all your own. Like our mama's said, eyes on your own paper. Screw everyone else. :)

    (I work out A LOT. My girlfriends do about 50% of what I do. And that's okay! Their plans are not mine.I have long term athletic goals. They don't. :)

    Hugs! You do YOU!


  2. If what you're doing works - that is all that matters. To each his own. At the core of all of us - we all just want to be healthy. Different levels of healthy in our own way but I respect your way if you respect mine. Keep on keeping on.

  3. This post made me nervously pray that you don't think that I think you aren't doing enough. You have your shit WAY more together than me as far as diet/ weight loss/ workouts and balance go. I'm still taking my first steps and trying to deal with a major eating disorder that stretches back to a beginning at the age of seven. Yikes. Every day I'm thinking and hoping I can get to the point where you are at, or where Grace, or Ellen, or a lot of other girls from other blogs I read are at. Seriously. I've been on shaky ground since I started this blog in August of 2010. I lost twenty pounds. Gained twenty pounds. Lost ten pounds. Here I am still trying to figure out what works.
    I made a goal of burning 400 calories a day, because I figured I could eat 1600 calories, burn 400 of 'em off and net 1200, and therefore lose two pounds a week. Not for an extended period of time, mind you- just for a month maybe to give me a boost. I have already realized that probably isn't going to work for me. Weigh ins and tracking seem to work for me for a couple of weeks, and then it goes awry and turns back into just another binge/ starve cycle. The more I try to track or weigh, the more anxiety I get, and the stronger the pull is to just fast or something. I don't know why it happens. I freaking hate it. I'd like to be able to track and weigh in, because those tools are useful and free!!! And I end up comparing myself to other bloggers who have great success with tracking, and sometimes feel shitty about it. What can we do? We overall have a lot of the same core issues, but they play out differently for each of us. I understand for some tracking is what turns things around, but maybe for me that isn't going to do it. :( Boo.
    I don't have plans to be a major athlete, but I have realized that I feel great getting in 40-60 minute workouts every day. It's giving me an energy boost (which I desperately need), and it helps because I can see differences even after a week- and that is a way for me to to track without weighing or counting calories. Planning workouts also doesn't make me go insane, so I think for me it's a better thing to focus on right now. I don't want to be really buff or sculpted, but I DO want strong arms with tone and definition. I've never had that before! I don't want to run, or do marathons, or bike across the state. I prefer lazy swimming in open bodies of water, pilates at my own pace, and hiking when the weather is nice. What I do want is to find a way to lose the forty pounds of weight that I gained six years ago. My real goal is to stop making everything about my weight. I want health, but I want to have balance in my life. I'm getting there, but the pace is soooooooooooooo slow.

    1. No no, my dear! I most assuredly was not referring to you. I actually wasn't thinking of anyone in particular, just in general. Thankfully, no one LATELY has said anything directly to me. It's just at this time of year, it seems like there are a lot of people who jump on the New Year's weightloss thing and well... their 'inspirational' posts sometimes get to me. I get that they are fired up and trying to get fired and stay fired, but sometimes it rubs me the wrong way.

      I wish I knew some way to help you on your journey. I really do. I do food tracking simply because I know that is what works for me along with moderate activity. For me, it's simple. But what works for one, never really seems to work for another. You seem to do well with challenges, so maybe what you need is a challenge to go so many days tracking. For me, the point in tracking was to re-train my brain in what to eat. I feel like its working because I did well eating out at CB with my friends even though I had no way of tracking at the time. And maybe instead of just using MyFitnessPal, what you need to do is track it here or in a notebook. For some reason, physically writing it down makes a huge difference. I am also thinking that you are right about not weighing -- I know it helped me to focus on food and activity rather than a number. Maybe if you didn't see a number or getting to see the number was your goal at the end of the time, that would help you versus the need to fast. The need to fast comes from knowing you get swift results and will be happy when you step on the scale. If you have a goal to work towards, maybe that would help you since you would be able to see your work not only on the scale, but also on paper. You would have several accomplishments then.

      Just don't give up. Keep trying and you will get there. I'm rooting you on just like you're rooting for me!

    2. Whew. I was all worried for a minute.
      I think what I am going to do with myfitnesspal is enter in my my workouts and whatever activity that I have done for the day. Instead of tracking my food and calories, I'm going to simply write down what I eat in a notebook and review it at the end of the night. You are right about the notebook. No calorie counting, just writing it down to make myself aware. I did that in Sarasota and it seemed to work for me. It makes me think about what I am eating without equating it to pounds lost per week- which unfortunately always makes me go cuckoo after a couple weeks. Dang it.
      I'll probably weigh in from time to time but focus more on the workouts for a while.


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