So, after reading through several of the blogs this morning, it is apparent to me that I am not an athlete, and I never will be. And you know what, I'm ok with that.
As I've written before, I am often plagued with the question of whether or not I'm doing enough. Sometimes from myself, sometimes from others, and sometimes I just read it on other blogs. Either way, my brain starts to react and I start to wonder, am I working hard enough? Am I doing enough? Well, maybe if I worked out more and really 'trained' I'd do better. And then it inevitably hits me (and rather quickly I might add) that no way. No how. I do NOT want to workout that way. That just isn't me. But once in a while, it still hits me and I ponder it and I get a bit resentful. But only when I feel like I'm being 'attacked'. And it happens. I've heard more than once on this journey that I'm not doing it right, I'm not working out hard enough, long enough, or I'm not restricting enough. And I call bull hockey. I just don't feel you need to KILL yourself to get to a healthy weight and to be healthy. My point is, my Granny lived to be 99 and she was healthy as you can be. And she didn't work out. But she ate well, did things she loved, and stayed active. She was always at a healthy weight. And that's what I want to be.
I'm not begrudging anyone who wants to be an athlete or live the life of an athlete. But its not for me. Not only do I not want to do it, it just won't fit my lifestyle. Not to say I don't have a few athletic tendencies (I played fast pitch softball for oh, 8yrs.), but I don't want to work out for hours a day, I don't want to run. I just want to be the best possible me living my regular life.
I'm getting to my original thought -- I promise!
What I'm getting at is that while I don't begrudge people who want to do that and I am happy with where I'm going, I DO sometimes question it when I read about it or whatever. What do I question? Will I get there? Am I being too lenient? I don't feel that I am, but when it comes to people questioning what I'm doing or the harsh things I sometimes read on other blogs, it makes me wonder. And I won't lie -- sometimes it makes me flat out ANGRY. Angry because I don't judge them on what they do. I may wonder at times what drives them to this idea of how they do it, but I don't say it to them most of the time because we all have our own journey's. But it irritates me to no end when I see posts about how people who aren't killing themselves to be thin by doing 2hr. workouts and sweating themselves to death or those who eat more than 1200 calories 'are deluding themselves thinking they will lose weight'. You know, how about you just do your thing and you let me do mine? You know, this has worked for me so far. Not only have I LOST 45lbs., but I'm managing to keep it off and keep going! It's just frustrating. And irritating. And at times, disheartening. I just don't feel I need to burn a crazy amount of calories per day by working out until I'm drenched with sweat, I don't feel like I need to eat nothing but fruits and veggies, and I don't feel like I have to lose all the weight I gained in just a couple of months. I'm just doing this nice and slow and letting it BE. I'm letting all the changes become a part of me and who I am. I'm committing to memory how this is and feels and choosing not to get into this pattern of killing it for a month or so and then 'falling off'. There is no falling off. There just IS.
But like I said, with going this less pressing route, there are times that I worry I won't have a good weigh-in. Because there are times I don't. And like the last time I had a weigh-in coming up, I somewhat worry that what if THIS time, nothing comes off? What if I step on there and nothing has changed and I get upset? Yes, Didi, I know. You'll say I should wait until I am in a better frame of mind. The truth is, I don't know what I will be. LOL So, I try to take it like a big girl and just do it. It's just part of it. Luckily, I don't have another scheduled weigh-in until the 15th so I can stop stressing for a bit. BUT, I should be getting my cycle right before hand. YUCK. I'll still weigh. I'll weigh-in again at the end of the month. It's just all a part of it. But that doesn't mean I don't worry about what I will feel if I see a huge gain or no loss. But it happens and I'll keep going. I have to. Can't give up NOW. That would just be dumb. LOL
On that note, I updated my weigh-ins page and I need to do measurements. I haven't done those in quite a while..
3 slices of bacon -- 120
2 slices of toast -- 120
1tbsp. of butter blend -- 50
drizzle of honey -- 30
6.5oz nectarine -- 81
coffee -- 0
Breakfast Total: 401
I'm good with that.
1.5 honeybuns -- 345
coffee -- 0
Snack total: 345
I didn't mean to eat this much. I only got out one, but the kiddo wanted one and didn't finish it and I just couldn't throw it out. *sigh*
2c spinach --15
almost 1/3c mixed shredded cheese -- 110
1 can chicken -- 120
5.5oz tomatoes -- 28
2tbsp. honey mustard with bacon -- 110
water -- 0
Lunch Total: 383
Crust of PB sandwich -- 100
6.5oz berilla pasta with sauce --200
1tsp. parm cheese -- 13
Dinner Total: 313
I'm totally guessing here. I ate leftovers. My kiddos leftovers and some pasta. Only bad thing? I ran out of cheese. AARGH. I hope I have some hidden in a pantry. Love me some grated parm cheese! I love the real stuff, too, but yeah... the fake powdery stuff is nom. LOL
So far, I'm at 1442. That leaves room for something, but what I am not sure. My feelings for food have been all over the place today and I'm just not sure why. Maybe because I've been busy? Maybe because I am in a "I don't want to waste it mood". I'm just not sure. Either way... yeah. I am even feeling it now. I have some yogurt that needs to be eaten and I am thinking, meh. Might as well eat that and not waste it. LOL I had even thought of doing some cooking/freezing/baking. But now I am getting tired. Not sure WHAT I want to do. I feel off kilter.
cinnamon apple bar -- 120
hot tea -- 0
Dessert Total -- 120
Today's Total: 1562
I'm good with that.