Heavy

My heart is feeling heavy today.  First I had an epic meltdown last night after hours of going around with my youngest.  He kept yelling, kicking the walls, doing anything he could to stay awake.  I ignored him until I tried to go to bed and he just kept going on and on.  I finally lost it, screamed at him and popped his balloon because it flew in my face.  Yup.  I had a TANTRUM.  Between the neighbor getting arrested (more on that later), no break for us (wahh), the ebay garbage, and just feeling overwhelmed in general, I just blew.  No one's fault but my own.  But by the time midnight rolls around each night and we're still doing what we were doing prior to 9.... well, my brain can only take so much.  I've tried getting him up earlier and I've tried different routines.  They all result in crazy late bedtimes and up early anyways.  Everyone says to just lay him down then go to bed even if he is awake.  Ummm kiddo is 3.5.  He can do some major damage.  Seriously.  Plus, he is potty training still.  He mostly has it down, but still needs help.  So, no.  I really CANNOT go to bed until he does.  Not to mention, I am an introvert and need complete quiet time to recharge.  And I haven't gotten it in so long, I almost feel numb to life.  I'm going through the motions, but it all feels so forced.  I know part of it is the stress, part is PMS, and the rest is just other circumstances.  I'll get through and move on, but right now I just feel so weighed down and that I'm not moving forward.  And hell, that is almost always my advice to people.  Keep moving forward.

The neighbor thing is just insane to me and reminds me that I should not only keep my mouth shut about negative thoughts, but I should find some way to deal with them.  I should journal more, exercise more or something.  Anyways, the other day he kept calling and coming over.  You see, my husband helps him out with his computer.  So, he kept calling and coming and we were busy trying to get things done.  I finally after the 3rd or 4th time said something snarky like, "I wish he would just leave us alone!  We have things we need to get done!"  Shortly after that, we saw the cops there and I was like, OH NO... he got into an argument with his sister and BIL.  Apparently it resorted to blows.  He was arrested and taken to jail for like 3 days.  :(  Now, don't get me wrong, I realize that I am not responsible for some other person's behavior, but a big part of me wonders if maybe the hubby had gone over there to help him if the issue could have been avoided.  But we just don't know.  I don't know what the grief is about, so I can't say.  Or maybe it would be one of those things that hubby would have then been involved.  I just don't know.  But I feel bad that I made that statement and now the guy has not only had a major fight with them, but has been kicked out.  The police escort was just there with him.  I know he has nowhere else to go.  It's just.... sad.  And I feel bad.  :/

The ebay thing is short and sour.  They found in her favor without even looking at any of the info.  We are done with Ebay.  They spout all of this stuff about not just buyer protection but seller protection and alternate resolutions.  But in the end even though we tried to do the right thing, they still turned it in her favor.  The answer came back within hours (even though they have 48) so we know they didn't read through everything.  Just reading and deciphering it all would take a good part of a day.  But we are leaving it to God and just going to go with it.  I'm done stressing over it for now.

I guess all of this just added up to a not so great day yesterday.  I was grumpy, fried, and out of whack and perfectly lined up for a fit.  And I did have one.  I haven't in quite a while.  I guess the big question is what to do to keep from having another one for a long time and I think I am going to steal some ideas from Mary at A Merry Life and focus on some self care.  For one thing, I need to quit hanging out in the house so much.  I end up putting off doing things simply because I want to wait and do it when I am kid free so I get more 'me' time.  But the truth is, that ends up keeping me home and in the house too much.  Next is I need to get back to cardio.  Lifting is great, but I need that cardio.  Last is that I always seem to feel so much better when I knock out the little projects here and there.  So, I need to focus on those again.  I have little things to do, but I just haven't done them.  It's been hard to focus lately because my focus has been split.

The only thing that is getting better has been that I have been tracking my food.  My goal is to stay between 1600 and 2000.  I've been over this week, but I'm doing better.  I feel good about the food so far and after seeing things 'in writing' again I'm seeing where I can do better and improve.   An example is at dinner last night.  I really thought it turned out great, but it was super heavy in calories mostly due to the Pesto sauce.  I think the next time I make it I will not use their directions which calls for 1/4c olive oil and then like a half cup of water.  I think next time I will make it more creamy -- by subbing mayo with olive oil.  YUM.