Stewing

Sooo... I'm sitting here stewing and trying to chill out so I can actually get to bed.  I've been in a sorely bad mood today and I've been trying really hard to not take it out on others and to use that negative feeling into positive energy.  I was partly successful.  I don't think I've been too hard on anyone and I managed to get some projects that I had wanted done either done and finished or going and ready to finish.  I'm overall feeling good about that.  I'm feeling like knocking these little things out will help me get one step closer to getting the things I want finished, finished and done.  I know they aren't huge things, but they are things that make me feel more settled.  And that is always good.  It's why I chose to work on them today so that I could hopefully feel more at ease.  But so far... I do not.  And then instead of visiting with my neighbor and having a good coze, I instead walked away feeling resentful, annoyed, ANGRY.  All heavy emotions.  All sitting on my chest and turning in my gut. 

I guess I should focus on the good.  More projects being done is good.  We have a few big ones coming up like our kitchen remodel and our downstairs bath.  The essentials are down there, but it needs the shower walls done and the new fixtures for plumbing, etc.  Of course, these things are for us, but they will also need to be done before we could consider selling or moving.  Which right now is super heavy on my mind since the hubby has been having some MAJOR work issues.  He had slacked some on studying to finish up.  But I think the only good thing about work stress is that he has become motivated by it to finish what he needs to.  I just worry about getting it all done, money and time being tight, and all of that other jazz.  Money has been on my mind a lot of late simply because it seems like it's flying out the windows these days.  I know it's partly that at this time of year we are needing things like a few new clothes and sandals and well... it's hard once you get going.  So, I've been trying to rein myself in some.  It's also hard because when you are out and running around, you tend to eat out more.  So, we've been trying to work on eating at home.  I've been only buying fresh at the store and we are eating what we have in the freezer and pantry.  So far, it's been ok.  The hard thing being the random things that we weren't sure of.  Like, beef liver.  I got one meal out of it and may get one more, but it just wasn't my favorite thing to eat.  I did go out to eat last Sat. and so did the boys.  We did grab lunch on Tues. for Mommy/kiddo day, but since then we've eaten at home.  I would like to make any kind of eating out an only 2x's per month thing.  But more than likely, we'll be doing 4.  It just seems like we have 2 weeks of nothing and then 2 weeks where we are out 2x's!  I'm just as guilty as the rest of them.  LOL  I really am.  If we have been home and working all day and then out and running around, I'm just tired and want to go out to eat!  It's our pleasure.  It really is.  And we'll go even if we have laid something out or put something in the crock!  But we've done better.  We are not perfect, but I guess everyone has their vice.  But it's money spent.  :/  I guess it's balanced by the fact that otherwise I'm not a huge shopper or spender.  It just feels like money is tight now because so much is on my mind.  Which I guess is another good reason to get projects done, pay attention to things, and clear out junk.  It's just always something.

Yes, still trying to clear out junk and just got run over AGAIN.  Chick said she wanted it and then kept me waiting ALL DING DANG FUCKIN DAY.  I was so annoyed.  I know people change their mind.  It's just... a disappointment.  I was ready to get it out of here and move on.  Know what I mean?  I also thought that cash might also help offset a bit of the shopping.  I only spent around $100 on myself, but that's still $100.  Know what I mean?  And most of the time I give away clothing instead of selling so that doesn't balance.  So, selling the other and getting everything neat and tucked away was so appealing.  Now it's another wait and see.  Which means that piece, which is a modular chaise/chair has to sit where it is -- where I want my craft table.  And it irks me!  I WANT MY CRAFT AREA!  I'm tired of having my stuff all over the house.  And my stuff isn't even much -- it's just that I have run out of space and I need that space cleared back up.  I like the chaise and it is really nice -- it's just that I need that corner back.  I need somewhere to put all of this stuff together so that it is organized and I have easy access when we work on projects.  I must've gone up and down the stairs 20 or 30 times today.  I know that wouldn't completely stop if that area had my crafts.  It would just all be together and hopefully easier. 

Oh bother.  I am STILL mad.  People have just irritated me left and right.  Not just thinking I had that sold that item (cause ya, it's annoying but crap happens) but some other stuff relating to my diet and exercise.  I'm doing well, really.  Down another half pound and I'm lifting even when hubby isn't here to lift.  I'm really enjoying it.  I feel like I'm going to get the best progress out of this as long as I continue.  My only thing is... I kinda told a friend I'd do runs with her.  UGH.  I completely hate running.  HATE.  But I want to be supportive of her and I want to do SOME cardio, but I guess we will see.  I do like to do intervals, so maybe we could do those and I could still be supportive, ya know?  But I really enjoy the lifting.  It's like Pilates on STEROIDS.  LOL  And my diet has been much better.  Trying to keep it in the 1600's.  I don't really want to be over and seeing the red at times is hard, but I don't want to be too far under, either.  I worry that if I go too low with the lifting, my strength will suffer.  Right now, protein is what I have worried over.  I rarely get to 100 and I NEED to be getting closer to that number.  Bother.  I just suck at it.  In the afternoons, I want a snack and it's usually carby.  Same for dessert.  I try not to do anything crazy.  But today I had brownies at snack and then ice cream for dessert.  I would feel bad except one is carbs and one is really fat.  And it fit my cals to a T.  But I have to work on getting my protein higher.  I think I can do that by eating more at breakfast and then something still yummy for snack, but higher protein like Greek yogurt.  Awwww yeahhhhh!  Love Greek yogurt!  Anyways, the reason I am annoyed is a friend said flat out to me that eating this way will never help me lose weight or get healthy.  Excuse me?  She has this idea in her head that I have to eat 'clean' all of the time.  All natural and fresh with 'no junk'.  Whatever that means.  It's just WRONG.  I get what she's saying, but that isn't my life.  I have NO intention of going to an all natural, all organic, non-processed diet.  None.  Zero.  And the truth is, i don't HAVE TO.  If there is one thing I am learning, life is all about balance.  I'm not saying I don't love fresh food -- I do.  I love eggs, natural beef, romaine, spinach, carrots, apples, berries, etc.  I do.  But I also love beer, chocolate, cake, and not worrying about every fucking thing of every fucking minute!  Honestly, I'd rather be a bit chubbier and not live as long if my life is going to be this big suckhole of constantly worrying about every little thing.  HELLO!?  That's why I have a blog, to vent and get this crap out of my head so I don't have to worry.  That's why I'm living 'healthier' by eating smaller portions and getting my fat ass scale number down.  I get being 'healthier' I do.  But to sit and say that someone can't be healthy because they are going to eat a piece of chocolate is BUNK.  Just losing the weight I have lost has made me MUCH healthier.  Quitting smoking has made me MUCH healthier.  Moving more, strengthening my muscles, trying to sleep better (normally but not the last few days bah!), and just overall taking better care of ME makes me healthier.  But to act like having a piece of chocolate every day or sometimes eating McD's or even enjoying a beer is going to make you 'unhealthy' is crazy to me.  I just said over and over again that if that lifestyle works for her, then go for it.  It doesn't for me.  I enjoy 'healthy' fresh food, but I enjoy lots of other things and I refuse to drive myself crazy over this ideal of perfect.  I'd rather be happy.  And I wouldn't be happy that way.  I just don't get why if that works for someone they can't let it work for them and let others do what works for their body.  Drives me mad!

Gawsh... this is long.  Better bring this to an end!  Tomorrow, if I have time, I want to tell you about bathing suit shopping and taping myself while lifting.  Yeah, you read that right!  I'm telling you, I don't know where the paparazzi are with world shattering stuff like that going on here!  BE JEALOUS!