Secretly

You know, for years and years, I've tried to figure out why no one thing fit.  Why no one career, hobby, or THING stuck.  I've always just considered myself a 'Jill of all trades'.  I think I know why.  I think I'm secretly an Artist.  Today, I jammed out to my music and worked on my possible money maker.  I've inhaled tons of paint fumes, danced, sang, and felt... energized.  It's a heady feeling.  I literally feel like there are these beautiful glitter dusted clouds swirling around me.  It's phenomenal! 

Anyways, I think Artist is the best possible name for what I am.  I love taking what is there and making it beautiful and useful.  I love painting.  I love writing.  I love doing so many things but I don't have one main focus.  I'm just happy creating.  And for me, that is the absolute definition of an Artist.  Funny thing is, no one who knows me would call me that.  I was always a straight A student in school, very bookish and by the rules.  Always very serious.  Funny enough, I was the opposite of what most 'nerdy' girls were -- with the boys.  I was very rarely without a boyfriend and easily attracted the opposite sex.  It must be my Aquarius showing.  HA!  Anyways, I was and am to a high degree a play it by the rules sorta person.  I think that as a result, my more artistic side got pushed to the side except in music.  I was also first part, first chair in clarinet and oboe and was learning a few other instruments along the way.  So, I had an outlet then.  People tried to get me to sing -- I'm pretty good.  But I can't seem to sing in large groups.  Freaks me out to some degree.

But I find myself at a cross roads these days.  I'm rubbing against people which is annoying but I think the reason is because I'm going through some sort of change.  I've never hidden who I was or what I was about, but I think the more artistic side of me is needing out.  I'm not sure how I'm going to let it out, but I've been singing more, sewing more, painting more, and experimenting with color more.  I think my fear of not looking/being straight-laced was more there than I ever thought.  And now I realize it's not important.  Being HAPPY is important.  And I'm happy when I'm working on something artistic.  Even if to someone else it isn't artistic at all. 

Needless to say, today has been a good day for me.  I got some real work done, worked on some artsy stuff, and got to listen to music the whole time.  Fall Out Boy, to be specific.  My music is weird.  I have them, Iggy Azalea, and Tove Lo on my brain right now.  Some Dev, too.  Figure THAT out, people's!  Anyways, I'm just happy and feel like I'm moving in a good direction even if it is slow and painful at times.  I don't regret it.  I'm not sad that it is taking so long.  I'm just going to enjoy the ride!