Friday, January 9, 2015

Breakdown

I feel like I'm on the edge of an emotional breakdown.  :/  It's just been one of those days, and I'm ready for it to be over.  UGH.  It's not really one thing in particular.  It's just a bunch of little things.  Things piling up.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  We're stressed.  Particularly my hubby.  He's fighting depression hard.  He hates where he works, we are unhappy where we live, and then on top of that, his health and our health is going downhill.  He's getting nosebleeds now.  So on top of allergy like symptoms, escalating sinus issues, and then migraines, we're now having bloody noses.  The main issue isn't that it's bleeding but rather clotting inside of his sinus cavities.  We think that it's from the steel dust where he works.  Then there is just the drama of where he works.  It's non-stop.  He spent a LONG time on a project up there and finished.  Tested it and got it up and running.  For three days, that he was there, it ran spotless.  Then it was his time off in rotation and suddenly, it no longer worked.  His co-worker wrote him and was upset.  Then his boss sent him an email chastising him without even speaking to him.  Needless to say, he wasn't looking forward to dealing with this because he KNEW something was off.  He goes in and his brand new project was pulled apart.  They didn't just unhook it and bypass it.  Nope.  They literally tore it apart!  Why?  Because none, and I mean NONE of them could figure out how to fix it.  So, they just tore it up. 

On top of that, we are having NO luck finding somewhere to live or finding a job in PC/PCB.  We are getting discouraged.  I mean, it's been MONTHS.  I think we are at 7.  I'm just at a loss.  And honestly, I don't know what else to do.  I keep working on the house, paying off the debts, eating up the freezer food, packing, purging, selling.... doing everything I know to do.  Then I spend time searching Zillow and VRBO.  But so far, nada.  It's like we're looking for hat proverbial needle in a haystack.  And right now, we haven't been able to walk through the barn to even find the right haystack!  I'm not sure what to think.  Is it a sign that we aren't suppose to go?  What are we suppose to be doing?  Did we miss something?  I keep praying and trying to be patient.  I'm starting to fail.  Mostly because seeing the misery my husband is in and how it's starting to affect our family dynamic is heartbreaking.  Lately, the kids cry when he leaves for night shift.  They ask non-stop when he will be off and they complain non-stop about the cold.  The last part, is completely my fault.  I also hate this cold weather.  But I'm not sure where the other comes from.  I think we are all just tired.  Tired and unhappy and there has to be an outlet. 

I'm trying not to get down.  I felt bogged down and overwhelmed the other day with all of the mess.  But I decided that doing nothing was well... doing nothing.  So, I said to myself to just start in one place.  Put things back in their homes, clean that area, then move on.  I did.  Before I knew it, I had done a pretty good clean on the kitchen.  Most of the dining room is back in order.  The living room is picked up and got a vacuum, and I even cleaned out the vacuums brush and washed the filters!  The master bedroom has been picked up, but could use a dust and vacuum soon.  The boys rooms are ok.  And the bathroom will need a scrub before long, but is in decent shape.  As for the downstairs, I need to go down and finish dusting, but the toys are put away, the vacuuming is done, and the room is straight as a pin.  :)  Having the house somewhat in order helps.  I had wanted to go today and do more drop offs at the thrift store and mail a package for Didi, but with O here, traffic was horrid so I'm glad I saw about it and decided not to go.  I will do it next week.  I'm hoping next week is super productive.  I hope to sell a few more of our furniture pieces like a bedroom set, a buffet, two kids chairs, and then that outdoor set.  I do believe in slowly but surely, but it would be nice to have some breathing room.  I thought of going ahead and selling my youngest's bedroom set.  I don't think we are going to take it with us.  I would really like to get him a big kid set or move my oldest to a bigger bed and pass down his bed which is only about a year old or so.  It's an Ikea bed and I LOVE it!  Anyways, I'm just ready to let go of some of the bulk.  We just seem to have too much.  Much too much than I want to haul around.  Not to mention, he's still little so sleeping on his mattress and box spring is easy for him!

It's just getting it all listed and dealing with people.  Know what I mean?  I'm trying to only list a few things at a time so I don't get panicky.  Especially since they are bigger items and people tend to want to look at things before they buy.  So, it could be frustrating having too many things at once and trying to figure out who wants what, etc.  But it's got to go.  Just too much big and old stuff that no longer appeals to us.

Geez... I rambled on didn't I?  I do feel a bit better. 

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